INTENSE PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

In the future...

I would like a dog named Rudy and a cat named Aunt Jemima.

That is all.

I'm not entirely sure what freedom is. Of course, I know the simple meaning, the meaning I realized as a small child. Freedom is the ability to do what you want. You get to choose everything. No one can force you do anything you don't want to do. You have freedom to do what you think is best.

Then, after a small bout with growing up, I realized that that's really not what freedom is. In real life, in adult life, it's not always about what YOU want to do. Sometimes having freedom has very little to do with what you want, anyway. It's so confusing and it just makes me frustrated to think about it.

A lot of times, now being one of them, I feel like I have no control over my life. It seems like everyone else calls all the shots and I'm doing what I'm told. I want to be the boss of my life!

Sorry I sound like a four year old. This post is stupid.

I'd Just Go On And On Forever...

I guess the universe really does course correct itself when something goes off track. Our fate is inevitable. We can prolong the final outcome, but in the end, what was going to happen is what will happened, what has always happened.

It's fascinating to think that we all have a future. Not only that, but in some strange other dimension, it has happened already. Or, if it has not already happened, it is at least known.

This was always my favorite topic in philosophy. I always (and still do) tended to subscribe to the theory that we have free choice, yet we do have an ultimate fate, that God already knows. We cannot see our future, so in our eyes, it may seem like there is total chaos and anything can happen. In reality, as far as I know, it's not exactly that way. True, we can make choices and anything could have happened, but the pre-determined fate will happen.

Our lives our a picture. There is a beginning and an end, both of which our certain. We can see it all drawn out--except WE cannot see it. Someone else (God) is the only one privy to that information.

Fascinating, no?

Anyway, back to course correction. It seems sometimes that we work so hard to go against the grain, fight the inevitable, but in the end, it all straightens out and you continue to fall back in line with your life plan. Well, actually you never left it, because it's all part of the plan, anyway. You date the "wrong" people, you choose the "wrong" major, you make the "wrong" choices. However, those people, places, things--they were there for a reason. If they weren't you could have never seen what you really wanted out of life. YOUR fate is in YOUR hands. It's free will, free choice. All the things you do along the way are leading you to your, I hate to use this word, destiny.

One last thing before I go, the k-word. KARMA. I've been talking about it lately. I've been thinking about karma a lot. To me, it makes no sense. It's not real, and here's why I think so. Firstly, the whole concept of karma is "what goes around comes around", but as we can see in various and plentiful examples, this is not true. How many babies die every day? What have they done wrong? Young, innocent girls who get raped, what have they done to deserve that? Or, on the flip side, people who murder and never get caught, why not? According to karma, they should not be spared. People who launder money, yet become wealthy and our happy all their lives, where is the karma there? Secondly, when you do things to people, make mistakes, etc., those are just things, events, that happen in our lives to guide us to our final destination. If karma were in charge, we would get nowhere. We would float around all day experiencing the boomerang effect of our actions. It simply isn't valid and doesn't make sense.

After all that thrilling discussion, hopefully there's been a grain of something interesting in all that mess.

Explicame

I need to document this before I forget. I mean, I probably will forget, not because it wasn't an important piece of life, but because my memory has been failing me more and more often as of late.

Anyway, earlier, about half an hour ago, I was riding the bus to work and something odd happened. We hit a bump in the road, a little bubble formed on the top of my coffee cup (it rose from the sipping hole on the lid) and all at once I felt the strangest pang of...something.

It's difficult to describe. The best way I can think of to explain this mini phenomena is to liken it to deja vu, but it wasn't deja vu. It was the complete opposite, really. Deja vu is when you feel like you are going through something you've been through already. It's like you are reliving the past, but it's really the present. You just feel like you've done it all before. This, however, was like I was living the future before it happened. It was so incredibly odd. I've never felt that way before. There was a rush of excitement and knowledge. I can't quite explain it.

A quick Wikipedia search is showing me all kinds of things related to deja vu, none of which compare to what I am talking about. The term jamais vu is closest, meaning "never seen", but it's still not right. It's more like, "not seen...yet".

All things are weird and strange before we find their explanation.

Excerpt From This Delightful Book...

"...And Ingrid was very--patient. Overly patient. Willing to put up with odd behavior, in the hope that someday I would shape up and marry her martyred ass. And when somebody is that patient, you have to feel grateful, and then you want to hurt them. Does that make any sense?"

"I guess. I mean, no, not to me, but I don't think that way."

The Time Traveler's Wife

Audrey Niffenegger

pg. 161

Stomach is Sick

I wonder why I have the opinions that I do. I wonder if anyone actually cares what I think. If I had to guess, I would vote for probably not. One 22-year-old girl's opinion isn't of much importance in the eyes of the rest of the world. Every once in a while, I wonder who stumbles upon this blog. I know of a few people who read it, but I'm curious to know whether anyone ever just reads it, not knowing who I am or anything about the author.

Really, I think people should just do what they want. I'm generally not for laws that prohibit people from expressing their free will and making their own choices--as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I guess that last part is what separates me from the libertarians of the world. People's personal choices are between themselves and God. Who am I to interfere with that? I'm just a girl with some hazy viewpoints, anyway. So many moral dilemmas, so little time.

There are certain political/moral issues that I have a clear cut opinion on, but there are others that I'm not so sure about. One thing that I think I believe is that there shouldn't be a death penalty. I just don't think that it is benefiting anyone to take another human life. Personally, killing someone who murdered a family member would not grant me serenity. However, I've never been in such a horrible position. I suppose I can't really give a great answer, nor do I have a right to shout my views about a situation I pray to God I will never be placed in.

Gun control is a confusing issue too. And, even though I just said I was anti-death penalty and this might sound odd, I think people should be allowed to carry guns. Of course, there should be somewhat strict laws and regulations (I wouldn't want a terrorist/murderer/madman carrying a machine gun), but I don't think it should be totally illegal. In cases of self-defense, it could be the only option. On the other hand, I don't think I could ever actually shoot someone. For one thing, I've never even touched a gun, so I think I would be frightened by one anyway. Also though, I don't know that I would ever be able to hurt someone like that. I can't even imagine punching someone in the face, so shooting a person with a weapon sounds less than appealing. Without the public having access to weapons though, I believe it would be alarmingly easy for the government to control its citizens (even if it were just a bunch of police on a power trip).

I'm really not sure what's sparked all this. I'm actually rather tired and have an upset stomach from one too many chocolate covered coffee beans. Today was mind numbingly average. Average is worse than terrible, in my eyes. I hate the feeling of emptiness or dullness. I would rather have any kind of emotion. Well, maybe. I did have a few bouts with sadness today, but that's what will happen when you torture yourself with the same few songs on loop the entire day.

I'm going to head to bed now, I think. Hopefully, I can sleep instead of rolling around in my bed. I need to take control of my racing mind. It controls me at night, which is never a good idea.

Life as of Late

Getting older. Be bolder!

Getting wiser? Be a miser! (Ugh)

Grow up! Growing up.