So much running through my head right now. I wonder why I am in school and why I continue to pursue a career I'm so uncertain about.

To tell the truth, I love photography. I really enjoy every minute of it. I love to take pictures, but mostly I just love to make people look and feel beautiful. It brings me so much joy to see people happy with the photos I took. It's an amazing feeling. Another thing about photography is that it is one of the few things I've not given up on. I know I'm not the best, but I can also see that I've improved. I guess it must be the visual journey that I can see. I can tell how far I've come just by flipping back a few months in my photo albums. It's truly amazing. I wish I had more time and money, and I won't say I'm not a tad bit jealous of those who do, but I hope to continue working on this and taking this lifelong project to bigger, better and higher levels. I've never been this passionate about any other hobby or activity, and I think that's what really makes for a career I would love. I would do this for free, and that makes me even more inclined to make it my vocation.

BUT, I'm still in school trying to be a teacher. Yep. Pretty cool.

Is it just me, or do we all feel like we're making everything up as we go along? I'm 23, almost 24, actually, and I can't say I feel like a grown up yet. Everything in my life feels like I'm playing pretend. Going to work feels like a game, and everything I pursue feels like an acting job. I feel so empty of knowledge, and it seems like everyone else has all the answers.

I love Facebook. There are so many great reasons to have an account with this site. I get to keep up with old friends, easily share photos and quickly send and receive messages. As an avid Facebook user, however, there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed with the content I am consuming. I start to question why some of the people I have listed as "friends" are even connected to my account. We've all gone on a deleting spree, a friend clean sweep, if you will. I must admit that there were several people I didn't know by name and profile picture alone. If you can't identify a person on first glance, chances are you shouldn't be "friends" with them.

However, don't you feel like there are certain people you just cannot bring yourself to do delete? I do. Here are my should, but can't, delete Facebook friends:

1. People from High School

Ugh, there have been several times I have come upon an old high school classmate's profile and thought, "Why am I even friends with you on here? We weren't even friends in real life, nor do we ever communicate via the internet. I barely ever even look at your page." And yet, these people go undeleted. Why? I can't 100% sure, but I think it is a mixture of a few elements. For one thing, I feel guilty deleting a high school classmate. I mean, I DO know the person. And, I probably spoke more words to them than I did some of the randoms I have on my list from college classes. Part of it is probably the satisfaction I get from knowing my life is going better than theirs, or at least I make myself feel that way by laughing at their dumb pictures and wallposts. And of course there are a few of these high school classmates who's lives seem to be awesome, and well, I just want to stalk and envy them to be honest. I think that the difficulty in deleting high school people from Facebook stems from the insecure feelings I had in high school. At least now, 5 years later, I am "virtually popular" with people. I hope that last part isn't a big part of how I feel, because after using the term "virtually popular", I feel like a virtual loser.

2. People with Enraging Status Updates

This sounds so counterintuitive, but it is so true. I find it extremely difficult to delete people who drive me crazy with their status updates. One fellow in particular, we'll just call him "Orange Shorts" has the most outrageous, ridiculous statements constantly filling my newsfeed. I can't stand what he has to say, and I almost always think his opinions are idiotic. For some strange reason though, I can't seem to cut the cord.

3. People I think I can "Network" With Later

I put network in quotations, because I think I really mean, "use". There are certain people who I know are in my field. I know some people could be a possible asset to my future, so I keep these people on my friend list. Funny though, it seems that these people are always annoying and some of the first people I forget about out in Facebook land...well, see ya when I need ya, suckers!

Well, I'm too tired to write more write now. I'll write more later. Maybe. Probably not.

To Be Honest With You, I'm Honest With Me

I don't know what I want out of life. And, well, that is the one thing I've known for a while. I can't even think of a time when I truly really felt like I had a handle on what I wanted and liked and really cared about. I think basically my whole life, I have relied on others to guide me and tell me what is what. I am tired of it. I really am.

I'm 23 years old, and enough is enough. I need to gain mental, emotional, and social independence. Social independence may or may not be an oxymoron. I couldn't really say. But either way, I must retire these old ways, before I go absolutely crazy.

Not to boast, but I am generally well-liked. I mean, I have enemies and people who don't care for me, but I get along with most people. I attribute this mostly to the fact that I have an uncanny ability to scout out the similarities I have with basically anyone. Even the weirdest weirdo has SOMETHING in common with me. I've always prided myself on this skill, but as of late, I am starting to see it as a downfall. By matching everyone else, I've lost sight of myself. I am mixed up and confused as to who I really am. I want to be me and no one else, but I feel like, without anyone else...I AM no one.

I guess the first step is simply to make a gallant effort to stand up for what I believe in. I cannot cower and hide my true feelings anymore. I am entitled to my own opinion, whether it is popular or not. I cannot fear rejection. I just can't do it. I MUST BE ME!!!

Tonight I feel an overwhelming sense of excitement mixed with such a feeling of calm. It's inexplicable, really.

By the way, I just looked up the proper usage of inexplicable vs. unexplainable. Ironically (okay, I don't really know if it's ironic, as I've still yet to have solved that grammatical mystery), it was difficult to explain.

What a weekend! What can I say, really? It was an odd weekend, not in a bad way, just...odd. Friday was normal, but delicious. Matt and I went to the Japanese steakhouse, aka Benihana, and had amazing food. I had to housesit, so unfortunately, that was my next stop. It's nice making extra money, but so obnoxious to have to worry about the goings on at someone else's house. Anyway, but Friday was basically an average day. Saturday, I woke up and went shopping. There were amazing deals at the mall, and I actually ended up buying three dresses. (They were cute!) In the afternoon, in an effort to score a tan, I helped my dad spread mulch in the yard. Then, in the evening, I got ready to go to my high school reunion. Yes, we had a five year reunion--which apparently is weird to some people? Who knows. At first, about a week ago, I was reluctant to go. I mean, not really reluctant, but more like hesitant. I don't know why. I guess I was nervous that no one I was actually friends with would be there, or maybe because I felt like everyone would judge me or something. Regardless, I went, and actually managed to get Matt to go too. Truthfully, I had a good time. Sure, there were awkward conversations here and there. A drunkie every once in a while and annoyed thoughts certainly popped into my mind. All in all though, I thought it was fun. Sunday, I slept in, then woke up and came back to Sunbury. I don't really know what I did all day, but then I went to the mall to buy an iPad, which they didn't have. Then, I went to dinner with a multitude of friends (more like 6 others, including my boyfriend. I had a good time, but I think I ate something weird and/or bad, because my stomach hurt the next day. Lastly, Monday (weird that Monday is a holiday every once in a blue moon...) I went to a graduation party and then went to seek out garage sales. However, I ended up just going home, because I decided it wasn't worth the effort to scout through people's junk in hopes of finding treasure. Finally, Matt came over to use our internet and do his project for school. Unfortunately for me, reality set in tonight and I've already started freaking out about school stuff. Yippy skippy.

Lots of other random, weird thoughts and stuff running through my mind, but I'll save it for later, because I'm tired. Just felt like recapping my weekend to trick my mind into getting sleepy. I think it worked, so peace out.

I think to most people, having diverse friends means having friends who don't look like them, but still think like them.

"Oh, hey, here's my black friend. Don't worry though, because he's a Christian from a small town AND, get this, he's a republican!! He didn't even vote for Obama! Did you hear me say he is black?!"

I poke fun at myself.

Although, truthfully, I see it a lot more often from "the other side". Aka liberals who think that they are so selfless, high and mighty with their talk of diversity and free for all hippie love...it seems they are the first to shout "I hate ____!" when it comes to something they don't like. Oh yes, and slap the word "bigot" on the end of anyone's name who disagrees with them. Ah, dems.

Not that I don't like hippie love. 'Cause I do.

I need a sabbatical. I need to rid myself of all the grossness. All my nasty little habits that I don't even realize I have. Like, I need to take away stupid, pointless websites. I need to eat fresher, healthier food. I need to read more meaningful books. Get more education in a multitude of things. The list goes on and on. But really, I need to.

I wonder what my soul is like. I feel like I know my soul. I guess it is the core of my being and composed of the true, pure feelings and thoughts I have. It's unaffected by the outside world or any of my circumstances.

Even though I can't quite define my soul, I can't imagine living without it. It is me. This body, it's really nothing to me. It's like a vehicle to get me from point A (birth) to point B (death). My soul is the driver. It's me, purely me. Sometimes, I feel like I can go deep within my body and just ignore everything in the outside world. Maybe that sounds odd or like a bad idea, but to me, it's comforting.

Another thing I think about is what my life would have been like if I had been born into a different body at a different period of time in a different location. Would my thoughts and feelings remain the same? Would I continue to live life with the same values and goals? Or would I have a completely different outlook on life? I don't know. I'm not sure how much is circumstantial and what just is. It's confusing, overwhelming and interesting all at the same time. It's simply extraordinary that I even have the capacity to think about these things.

When I think about these types of philosophical questions and thoughts, it truly reaffirms my faith in God. What drives me to wonder these sorts of things, and why would any of it matter, if there was no God. I love that I have the drive and curiosity to understand and wonder about these things. It's honestly miraculous. Maybe I'm a nerd or lame or whatever, but truly I think it's fascinating.

On a slightly unrelated note, it is nice to be thinking about deeper, heavier things than the goings on between people at work. As I once read somewhere, (and I know I am butchering this quote), "Stupid people talk about other people, average people talk about events, and intelligent people talk about ideas." At least I feel a little less stupid thinking about something more meaningful...at least for a little bit...

Ding!

Ready, set, go!

Gentlemen, start your engines!

I wish God would yell one of those phrases to signify the start of my life (well, maybe not "ding!", that would actually be a pretty terrible way to start it). By life, I guess I mean adulthood. And by adulthood, well, I really don't know what I mean by adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like a child anymore, that's for sure. I am capable of taking care of myself and of making my own choices, but I just don't feel like my "real adult life" has started.

When does "real life" start? How is it signified? With a first real job? Maybe it's with marriage or your first child. Or perhaps it's when you buy your first home. Maybe it happened when I graduated high school and I just haven't realized it yet (something about eating burritos at 1 o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday in a dorm room tells me that's probably NOT when I became an adult). No, I'm pretty sure it hasn't begun yet. Right now, I'm stuck in the purgatory-like existence between youth and adulthood.

It's a weird feeling, being pulled by both ends. On one hand I feel so much nostalgia toward the past few years. I wish I could go back to that very dorm I ate burritos in. Sometimes, I want so badly to go back to the Oval and relax with my friends all day. The school spirit calls my name more often than not. I feel it now in Spring, and when Fall and football season come around, it will become almost too much to ignore.

On the other hand, I feel so much...pressure to "grow up". Not so much pressure from other people, but pressure from myself. I feel like I need to get a better job...now. I need to save up all my money and pay my student loans...now. Graduate...now. Marriage...now. House...now. Kids...now. (Okay, scratch the last one, that CAN wait).

And then I start thinking about ALL THAT and it becomes way too much for me. Then I start to realize that I don't really want all of it now. At all. I would die at the prospect of all of those things happening to me all at once. I would be totally overwhelmed. Then I find myself again daydreaming of the "good ol' days of college". Funny how they are the best days of your life only after you've finished.

I suppose it's all supposed to be gradual. So gradual, in fact, that you don't even realize it's happening to you. And then one day, BOOM!, you're 35! Then you're probably back to wondering again. Only this time, you're wondering where your youth went. What a cycle.

Nothing's certain. I don't know exactly what I want out of life, but I would venture to guess that most people don't know the answer to that either. That fabulous thing about my life, however, is what I do know. I know who I am. I know who I love. I know who loves me. And, I have a family who loves and cares about me, which after teaching preschool for the past 7 months, is more than you can say for a lot of people.

Right now, I'm living and trying not to think too far into the future. It's just too difficult to live that way. Plus, I want to make the most of my 20s. I want to live it up, so that when I am 35 and wondering what happened to my youth, I can recall it being swept up in a sea of excitement, not drowned in tears of boredom.

Aight. I'm out, holla.

I just like this little diddy that was in Rolling Stone:

DeLonge found out via the TV news at an airport while waiting to board a flight. He landed and mailed a letter and two photographs to Barker: a photo of Blink aboard a submarine in the Middle East and another of himself and his two kids. “One was ‘Do you remember who we were?’ and the other was ‘This is who I am now,’ ” DeLonge says. “No one knew if Travis was going to live or if he would play drums again. It was a good moment to put the shit aside.”

After Barker got out of the hospital, Hoppus says the trio “had two gnarly heart-to-hearts, really opened up and said a lot of things, and after that we were cool, and we don’t talk about it. We’re guys.” But the lessons of the past four years were clear: “When human life comes into the equation, that trumps everything,” DeLonge adds.

Anti Resume: How Not to Get the Job

Objective: To make money, obviously.

Education:

School of Online

Teaching and stuff

GPA: 4.0 (in the one class I've had)

O.S.U

Major: Communication (L.O.L.)

GPA: 3.something (in communication, hahah)

Experience (or lack of):

Preschool

Sub

-Almost throwing up whilst changing diapers

-Covering for teachers who don't feel like coming in

-Making up possibly age appropriate projects off the top of my head

Ohio State

Student Employee

-Surfed the internet for hours

-Talked to fellow employees about random subjects

-Lollygagged

Toy Store

-Drew pictures on bags

-idk?

Skillz:

-Procrastinating

-Writing papers that should take days in under an hour

-Being totally unorganized at all times

-Smiling

Hire me :)

I have been so busy lately. It makes me sad. I have had hardly any time to do the things I love. I never read for pleasure anymore. I can't find time to even write on this, or any other, forum. I rarely even listen to music. All of my outlets are out of reach, it seems. Even as I write this, I can't help but think that I should really be sleeping. I have to go to work in the morning for 8 hours, only after I work out for an hour. So, basically, as always, I will get no sleep. Happily, I am going to a baseball game in the evening though. Clippers, yeah!

It's just hard to be in school, working all the time and trying to have an actual life. I want to concentrate on being healthy, getting good grades, making money and balancing all my various relationships. The phrase, "life is hard," rings truer now than ever. I mean, I have never felt this busy, ever. Four years of college and 13 years of school before that have never made me feel this way!

Anyway, complaining or not, it's nice to have some sort of semi-creative outlet to dispense all of these feelings. They've just been overwhelming me and sort of making me go crazy. So, now I give them to you, World Wide Web. Thanks!

By the way, I just noticed every paragraph ended with an exclamation point. Good, now I've turned into one of *those* people. I'm fitting into the stereotypical teacher role quite nicely. Awesome...

It's not like I've never been stressed before, because I have. I would think I would know how to balance school and work with everything else life hands my way. Honestly, I feel like a huge baby when I see people at my work who are parents, work full time and go to school. I mean, obviously, if they can do it, I can too. I just feel so overwhelmed. It seems like it will never end and that every time I turn around there is something new to do.

I hate complaining. I really do. However, BIG HOWEVER, it seems like that is all I have been doing lately. I feel bad about it, too. Poor Matt has to handle me being in a bad mood all the time. I feel like I can never do anything fun at all, because I have school work that is waiting for me. It's so stressful and I really hate it. I have never felt this way toward school before. I mean, never. I have been in school for 18 years of my life, but I've never felt pressured like this. It's so much.

I just keep wish I were back in undergrad, where (now) it seems so safe and protected. There seems to be so many venues waiting help you with whatever problems come your way. Now, I feel like I am totally alone in this. Which, when you go to a school that is located 2,000 miles away from you, I guess you do start to feel a little isolated.

I don't know. I just feel like, all at once, I became an adult. It's so scary, and I just feel so alone all of the sudden. Honestly, a lot of times, my family stresses me out even more when I talk to them, and I feel like such a terrible girlfriend complaining to Matt all the time too. It's not even just that I feel like "bad girlfriend", but I don't want to spend all my time that I talk to him to be moaning and groaning. I love him, and I hate doing that to him, because he doesn't deserve to hear all of that stuff.

Bleh. It's so difficult to describe the way that all of this is making me feel, but it's not good. It's not really depression, but maybe a lot of anxiety. It seems like the world is whooshing by and I'm just standing here, dumbfounded. I want to cry and just stay in bed all day and not doing anything. Maybe not even all day. Just an hour.

ALL THAT...and I think there is something going on with my health. My ankle hurts tremendously, for starters. I am getting these weird head dizziness issues lately--like vertigo kind of feelings, and just feeling nauseas kind of. My toes do a tingling thing and sometimes my fingers and tongue too.

I need help, that's all I know.

I need to be up in four hours. Whoops. Ew. This is going to be bad. I have to work with small children. I am going to die. I want sleep. I want eight long, luxurious hours of sleep. I want to nap in the noon time and be happy. UGHGH, nooooo to work. NOOO!

In my Heart and on my Mind

Love and inspiration.

Love is on my mind. I just watched Twilight (yesss, that movie), and although the film itself is rather lacking, it's difficult not to become immersed in the love story. After watching it, I found myself thinking about love. Not just romantic love, but all kinds of love. I love love. It feels so good. It makes you happy, but more than happy. Joyful. Love is a wonderful thing.

It comes in so many forms. Love between you and a significant other, a mother and child, friends and God's love too. It stirs up intense emotions. It makes you feel something far greater than simple happiness could ever do. Love is beautiful.

Inspiration is on my mind tonight too. I always feel so inspired after looking at great artwork. I find it especially inspiring to look at artwork created by people who don't feel so distant. It's much more enjoyable to see things made by "real people". For example, pictures on flickr or things on etsy.com. Today I visited Anthropologie, one of my favorite places to look (and unfortunately, for the most part, not buy). There are so many beautiful things there. It's just an inspirational place to go. It makes you want to make things. There are so many unique things there, most of which feel so handmade. Everything seems like it has been handled with care from the minute the idea was conceived. I wish that I could someday be able to create things.

-feeling very in love and inspired.

Words About Topics

Laying here thinking about things in the wee hours of the morning is forcing me to feel so many mixed emotions.

I really miss Ohio State. I loved that place so much. I made a countless amount of wonderful memories there. I knew I belonged. It was definitely a sense of family, much more so than this world I'm living in now. Having that huge group of comrades around at all times was such a comfort. Right now, I miss that school more than anything.

On a similar (but not really) note, I've been thinking about people I miss and don't miss. How is it that you can bond so deeply with some people, yet others you couldn't care less what they thought or had to say? I'm so grateful for the few people in my life with whom I share a deep connection. Only a select handful of friends know the real me. It is hard to open yourself up and give yourself away to others, and after you do, you form an unbreakable bond with that individual. Or so I'd like to think.

I love God so much. I want so much more of Him in my life. I try to let Jesus into my life more and more, but I know that often times I ignore Him. God knows me, He knows my heart and I trust in Him. I know He loves me, because I am His child. I want to love Him more. I need to. How can I live in such a way that I am becoming more like Jesus? I want to, I really do, but I keep getting caught in worldly matters. It's frustrating and difficult. This isn't an easy place to live.

Happy New Year!

I'm not sure how to react to this new year. It's officially 2010, about 4 hours into it now. I feel a little...weird. I don't know why, but all of the sudden I'm having a little shock to the system. I'm 23 years old, as of yesterday. I'm a real, live grown up now. Oh-em-gee, I'm a woman!

Seriously, though...I think that I started getting a little depressed, because I started thinking about the decade that lies ahead. (I hope my next statement isn't true) It seems like 2000-2010 was such an amazing decade, so I'm just not sure how I will be able to top it. I don't want that to have been my life peak, but I can't help but wonder. "They" say that your high school and college years are the best of your life, aka 2001-2009. I really hope not! Not that those years weren't amazing, but I don't want it to get icky from here on out. I hope I will continue making wonderful, happy memories with the people I love. I want to be able to love the next decade as much as I loved this last one.

In closing, here are my wishes for 2010:

To all my friends, family and loves, I hope that this year will be the greatest of your lives so far. I want the best for each and every one of you. I pray that your lives will be happier than ever before. I want that you take time to enjoy even the simplest of things and realize all that is good in your world. Even the smallest token of kindness should be appreciated and reciprocated. Love like you've never loved before, and live with the same attitude. Become a better person, because no one is perfect. Live well. Be merry. Have fun. Life is too short to dwell on the past or worry about the future. Be part of the present, because it's gone in a flash.

Peace and love in the new year.