Fall

What is it about autumn? There's something that, for me anyway, makes me feel nostalgic and contemplative. Winter too, I suppose. It's harder to think, here in Arizona. The sun always beckons you to the world outside. In Ohio, you shuttered yourself in your room and tried to stay warm, no choice but to confront your thoughts and innermost feelings. But here, it's sunny and bright and the world waits for you to make your sunny and bright appearance. Still, autumn calls me to think and feel, either here or 1,800 miles away. 

Do I know who I am? Truly, I mean, I know I have many identities, personas. I know what my roles are and sometimes I do them well and better than others. That's not WHO I am though. I know only a few things for sure, and really they're more a list of facts:

I'm Jessica. 

I'm 32-years-old. 

I have a lot of roles--wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher/coach, pet owner, video captioner, content creator.

I need and want to look deeper within myself. I think I'm a pretty funny person, I'm a good listener and advice giver, I notice things, I think about things too much sometimes. I love people profusely, but I know I don't always show it. The types of gifts I like to give are in the form of affirmations. I sincerely notice and really love to let people know how much I think of them and that I notice the good they do in the world. 

But what else is purely me? What does that even mean? Does it mean more than personality traits? I'm really not sure. I think as we get older we really sell ourselves short and become our roles. Roles are important and meaningful, but it's not who we are as people. Who is Jessica? And, to me, it's not about what I want, in life or elsewhere, because that's still not at the core of who I really am. 

It's so easy for us to wax poetically about our material desires, the shows we watch, and maybe even the friends we have, but it's incredibly hard to give a deep analysis of ourselves, even to our spouses and closest family and friends. 

Does it even matter who I am? Does anyone care? I think that I care, but even then, does it really matter? I'm honestly not sure, but at the moment, I'm curious and want to get to know the true me--even if for nothing.