I need a sabbatical. I need to rid myself of all the grossness. All my nasty little habits that I don't even realize I have. Like, I need to take away stupid, pointless websites. I need to eat fresher, healthier food. I need to read more meaningful books. Get more education in a multitude of things. The list goes on and on. But really, I need to.

I wonder what my soul is like. I feel like I know my soul. I guess it is the core of my being and composed of the true, pure feelings and thoughts I have. It's unaffected by the outside world or any of my circumstances.

Even though I can't quite define my soul, I can't imagine living without it. It is me. This body, it's really nothing to me. It's like a vehicle to get me from point A (birth) to point B (death). My soul is the driver. It's me, purely me. Sometimes, I feel like I can go deep within my body and just ignore everything in the outside world. Maybe that sounds odd or like a bad idea, but to me, it's comforting.

Another thing I think about is what my life would have been like if I had been born into a different body at a different period of time in a different location. Would my thoughts and feelings remain the same? Would I continue to live life with the same values and goals? Or would I have a completely different outlook on life? I don't know. I'm not sure how much is circumstantial and what just is. It's confusing, overwhelming and interesting all at the same time. It's simply extraordinary that I even have the capacity to think about these things.

When I think about these types of philosophical questions and thoughts, it truly reaffirms my faith in God. What drives me to wonder these sorts of things, and why would any of it matter, if there was no God. I love that I have the drive and curiosity to understand and wonder about these things. It's honestly miraculous. Maybe I'm a nerd or lame or whatever, but truly I think it's fascinating.

On a slightly unrelated note, it is nice to be thinking about deeper, heavier things than the goings on between people at work. As I once read somewhere, (and I know I am butchering this quote), "Stupid people talk about other people, average people talk about events, and intelligent people talk about ideas." At least I feel a little less stupid thinking about something more meaningful...at least for a little bit...

Ding!

Ready, set, go!

Gentlemen, start your engines!

I wish God would yell one of those phrases to signify the start of my life (well, maybe not "ding!", that would actually be a pretty terrible way to start it). By life, I guess I mean adulthood. And by adulthood, well, I really don't know what I mean by adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like a child anymore, that's for sure. I am capable of taking care of myself and of making my own choices, but I just don't feel like my "real adult life" has started.

When does "real life" start? How is it signified? With a first real job? Maybe it's with marriage or your first child. Or perhaps it's when you buy your first home. Maybe it happened when I graduated high school and I just haven't realized it yet (something about eating burritos at 1 o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday in a dorm room tells me that's probably NOT when I became an adult). No, I'm pretty sure it hasn't begun yet. Right now, I'm stuck in the purgatory-like existence between youth and adulthood.

It's a weird feeling, being pulled by both ends. On one hand I feel so much nostalgia toward the past few years. I wish I could go back to that very dorm I ate burritos in. Sometimes, I want so badly to go back to the Oval and relax with my friends all day. The school spirit calls my name more often than not. I feel it now in Spring, and when Fall and football season come around, it will become almost too much to ignore.

On the other hand, I feel so much...pressure to "grow up". Not so much pressure from other people, but pressure from myself. I feel like I need to get a better job...now. I need to save up all my money and pay my student loans...now. Graduate...now. Marriage...now. House...now. Kids...now. (Okay, scratch the last one, that CAN wait).

And then I start thinking about ALL THAT and it becomes way too much for me. Then I start to realize that I don't really want all of it now. At all. I would die at the prospect of all of those things happening to me all at once. I would be totally overwhelmed. Then I find myself again daydreaming of the "good ol' days of college". Funny how they are the best days of your life only after you've finished.

I suppose it's all supposed to be gradual. So gradual, in fact, that you don't even realize it's happening to you. And then one day, BOOM!, you're 35! Then you're probably back to wondering again. Only this time, you're wondering where your youth went. What a cycle.

Nothing's certain. I don't know exactly what I want out of life, but I would venture to guess that most people don't know the answer to that either. That fabulous thing about my life, however, is what I do know. I know who I am. I know who I love. I know who loves me. And, I have a family who loves and cares about me, which after teaching preschool for the past 7 months, is more than you can say for a lot of people.

Right now, I'm living and trying not to think too far into the future. It's just too difficult to live that way. Plus, I want to make the most of my 20s. I want to live it up, so that when I am 35 and wondering what happened to my youth, I can recall it being swept up in a sea of excitement, not drowned in tears of boredom.

Aight. I'm out, holla.

I just like this little diddy that was in Rolling Stone:

DeLonge found out via the TV news at an airport while waiting to board a flight. He landed and mailed a letter and two photographs to Barker: a photo of Blink aboard a submarine in the Middle East and another of himself and his two kids. “One was ‘Do you remember who we were?’ and the other was ‘This is who I am now,’ ” DeLonge says. “No one knew if Travis was going to live or if he would play drums again. It was a good moment to put the shit aside.”

After Barker got out of the hospital, Hoppus says the trio “had two gnarly heart-to-hearts, really opened up and said a lot of things, and after that we were cool, and we don’t talk about it. We’re guys.” But the lessons of the past four years were clear: “When human life comes into the equation, that trumps everything,” DeLonge adds.

Anti Resume: How Not to Get the Job

Objective: To make money, obviously.

Education:

School of Online

Teaching and stuff

GPA: 4.0 (in the one class I've had)

O.S.U

Major: Communication (L.O.L.)

GPA: 3.something (in communication, hahah)

Experience (or lack of):

Preschool

Sub

-Almost throwing up whilst changing diapers

-Covering for teachers who don't feel like coming in

-Making up possibly age appropriate projects off the top of my head

Ohio State

Student Employee

-Surfed the internet for hours

-Talked to fellow employees about random subjects

-Lollygagged

Toy Store

-Drew pictures on bags

-idk?

Skillz:

-Procrastinating

-Writing papers that should take days in under an hour

-Being totally unorganized at all times

-Smiling

Hire me :)

I have been so busy lately. It makes me sad. I have had hardly any time to do the things I love. I never read for pleasure anymore. I can't find time to even write on this, or any other, forum. I rarely even listen to music. All of my outlets are out of reach, it seems. Even as I write this, I can't help but think that I should really be sleeping. I have to go to work in the morning for 8 hours, only after I work out for an hour. So, basically, as always, I will get no sleep. Happily, I am going to a baseball game in the evening though. Clippers, yeah!

It's just hard to be in school, working all the time and trying to have an actual life. I want to concentrate on being healthy, getting good grades, making money and balancing all my various relationships. The phrase, "life is hard," rings truer now than ever. I mean, I have never felt this busy, ever. Four years of college and 13 years of school before that have never made me feel this way!

Anyway, complaining or not, it's nice to have some sort of semi-creative outlet to dispense all of these feelings. They've just been overwhelming me and sort of making me go crazy. So, now I give them to you, World Wide Web. Thanks!

By the way, I just noticed every paragraph ended with an exclamation point. Good, now I've turned into one of *those* people. I'm fitting into the stereotypical teacher role quite nicely. Awesome...

It's not like I've never been stressed before, because I have. I would think I would know how to balance school and work with everything else life hands my way. Honestly, I feel like a huge baby when I see people at my work who are parents, work full time and go to school. I mean, obviously, if they can do it, I can too. I just feel so overwhelmed. It seems like it will never end and that every time I turn around there is something new to do.

I hate complaining. I really do. However, BIG HOWEVER, it seems like that is all I have been doing lately. I feel bad about it, too. Poor Matt has to handle me being in a bad mood all the time. I feel like I can never do anything fun at all, because I have school work that is waiting for me. It's so stressful and I really hate it. I have never felt this way toward school before. I mean, never. I have been in school for 18 years of my life, but I've never felt pressured like this. It's so much.

I just keep wish I were back in undergrad, where (now) it seems so safe and protected. There seems to be so many venues waiting help you with whatever problems come your way. Now, I feel like I am totally alone in this. Which, when you go to a school that is located 2,000 miles away from you, I guess you do start to feel a little isolated.

I don't know. I just feel like, all at once, I became an adult. It's so scary, and I just feel so alone all of the sudden. Honestly, a lot of times, my family stresses me out even more when I talk to them, and I feel like such a terrible girlfriend complaining to Matt all the time too. It's not even just that I feel like "bad girlfriend", but I don't want to spend all my time that I talk to him to be moaning and groaning. I love him, and I hate doing that to him, because he doesn't deserve to hear all of that stuff.

Bleh. It's so difficult to describe the way that all of this is making me feel, but it's not good. It's not really depression, but maybe a lot of anxiety. It seems like the world is whooshing by and I'm just standing here, dumbfounded. I want to cry and just stay in bed all day and not doing anything. Maybe not even all day. Just an hour.

ALL THAT...and I think there is something going on with my health. My ankle hurts tremendously, for starters. I am getting these weird head dizziness issues lately--like vertigo kind of feelings, and just feeling nauseas kind of. My toes do a tingling thing and sometimes my fingers and tongue too.

I need help, that's all I know.