To Be Honest With You, I'm Honest With Me

I don't know what I want out of life. And, well, that is the one thing I've known for a while. I can't even think of a time when I truly really felt like I had a handle on what I wanted and liked and really cared about. I think basically my whole life, I have relied on others to guide me and tell me what is what. I am tired of it. I really am.

I'm 23 years old, and enough is enough. I need to gain mental, emotional, and social independence. Social independence may or may not be an oxymoron. I couldn't really say. But either way, I must retire these old ways, before I go absolutely crazy.

Not to boast, but I am generally well-liked. I mean, I have enemies and people who don't care for me, but I get along with most people. I attribute this mostly to the fact that I have an uncanny ability to scout out the similarities I have with basically anyone. Even the weirdest weirdo has SOMETHING in common with me. I've always prided myself on this skill, but as of late, I am starting to see it as a downfall. By matching everyone else, I've lost sight of myself. I am mixed up and confused as to who I really am. I want to be me and no one else, but I feel like, without anyone else...I AM no one.

I guess the first step is simply to make a gallant effort to stand up for what I believe in. I cannot cower and hide my true feelings anymore. I am entitled to my own opinion, whether it is popular or not. I cannot fear rejection. I just can't do it. I MUST BE ME!!!

Tonight I feel an overwhelming sense of excitement mixed with such a feeling of calm. It's inexplicable, really.

By the way, I just looked up the proper usage of inexplicable vs. unexplainable. Ironically (okay, I don't really know if it's ironic, as I've still yet to have solved that grammatical mystery), it was difficult to explain.

What a weekend! What can I say, really? It was an odd weekend, not in a bad way, just...odd. Friday was normal, but delicious. Matt and I went to the Japanese steakhouse, aka Benihana, and had amazing food. I had to housesit, so unfortunately, that was my next stop. It's nice making extra money, but so obnoxious to have to worry about the goings on at someone else's house. Anyway, but Friday was basically an average day. Saturday, I woke up and went shopping. There were amazing deals at the mall, and I actually ended up buying three dresses. (They were cute!) In the afternoon, in an effort to score a tan, I helped my dad spread mulch in the yard. Then, in the evening, I got ready to go to my high school reunion. Yes, we had a five year reunion--which apparently is weird to some people? Who knows. At first, about a week ago, I was reluctant to go. I mean, not really reluctant, but more like hesitant. I don't know why. I guess I was nervous that no one I was actually friends with would be there, or maybe because I felt like everyone would judge me or something. Regardless, I went, and actually managed to get Matt to go too. Truthfully, I had a good time. Sure, there were awkward conversations here and there. A drunkie every once in a while and annoyed thoughts certainly popped into my mind. All in all though, I thought it was fun. Sunday, I slept in, then woke up and came back to Sunbury. I don't really know what I did all day, but then I went to the mall to buy an iPad, which they didn't have. Then, I went to dinner with a multitude of friends (more like 6 others, including my boyfriend. I had a good time, but I think I ate something weird and/or bad, because my stomach hurt the next day. Lastly, Monday (weird that Monday is a holiday every once in a blue moon...) I went to a graduation party and then went to seek out garage sales. However, I ended up just going home, because I decided it wasn't worth the effort to scout through people's junk in hopes of finding treasure. Finally, Matt came over to use our internet and do his project for school. Unfortunately for me, reality set in tonight and I've already started freaking out about school stuff. Yippy skippy.

Lots of other random, weird thoughts and stuff running through my mind, but I'll save it for later, because I'm tired. Just felt like recapping my weekend to trick my mind into getting sleepy. I think it worked, so peace out.

I think to most people, having diverse friends means having friends who don't look like them, but still think like them.

"Oh, hey, here's my black friend. Don't worry though, because he's a Christian from a small town AND, get this, he's a republican!! He didn't even vote for Obama! Did you hear me say he is black?!"

I poke fun at myself.

Although, truthfully, I see it a lot more often from "the other side". Aka liberals who think that they are so selfless, high and mighty with their talk of diversity and free for all hippie love...it seems they are the first to shout "I hate ____!" when it comes to something they don't like. Oh yes, and slap the word "bigot" on the end of anyone's name who disagrees with them. Ah, dems.

Not that I don't like hippie love. 'Cause I do.

I need a sabbatical. I need to rid myself of all the grossness. All my nasty little habits that I don't even realize I have. Like, I need to take away stupid, pointless websites. I need to eat fresher, healthier food. I need to read more meaningful books. Get more education in a multitude of things. The list goes on and on. But really, I need to.

I wonder what my soul is like. I feel like I know my soul. I guess it is the core of my being and composed of the true, pure feelings and thoughts I have. It's unaffected by the outside world or any of my circumstances.

Even though I can't quite define my soul, I can't imagine living without it. It is me. This body, it's really nothing to me. It's like a vehicle to get me from point A (birth) to point B (death). My soul is the driver. It's me, purely me. Sometimes, I feel like I can go deep within my body and just ignore everything in the outside world. Maybe that sounds odd or like a bad idea, but to me, it's comforting.

Another thing I think about is what my life would have been like if I had been born into a different body at a different period of time in a different location. Would my thoughts and feelings remain the same? Would I continue to live life with the same values and goals? Or would I have a completely different outlook on life? I don't know. I'm not sure how much is circumstantial and what just is. It's confusing, overwhelming and interesting all at the same time. It's simply extraordinary that I even have the capacity to think about these things.

When I think about these types of philosophical questions and thoughts, it truly reaffirms my faith in God. What drives me to wonder these sorts of things, and why would any of it matter, if there was no God. I love that I have the drive and curiosity to understand and wonder about these things. It's honestly miraculous. Maybe I'm a nerd or lame or whatever, but truly I think it's fascinating.

On a slightly unrelated note, it is nice to be thinking about deeper, heavier things than the goings on between people at work. As I once read somewhere, (and I know I am butchering this quote), "Stupid people talk about other people, average people talk about events, and intelligent people talk about ideas." At least I feel a little less stupid thinking about something more meaningful...at least for a little bit...

Ding!

Ready, set, go!

Gentlemen, start your engines!

I wish God would yell one of those phrases to signify the start of my life (well, maybe not "ding!", that would actually be a pretty terrible way to start it). By life, I guess I mean adulthood. And by adulthood, well, I really don't know what I mean by adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like a child anymore, that's for sure. I am capable of taking care of myself and of making my own choices, but I just don't feel like my "real adult life" has started.

When does "real life" start? How is it signified? With a first real job? Maybe it's with marriage or your first child. Or perhaps it's when you buy your first home. Maybe it happened when I graduated high school and I just haven't realized it yet (something about eating burritos at 1 o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday in a dorm room tells me that's probably NOT when I became an adult). No, I'm pretty sure it hasn't begun yet. Right now, I'm stuck in the purgatory-like existence between youth and adulthood.

It's a weird feeling, being pulled by both ends. On one hand I feel so much nostalgia toward the past few years. I wish I could go back to that very dorm I ate burritos in. Sometimes, I want so badly to go back to the Oval and relax with my friends all day. The school spirit calls my name more often than not. I feel it now in Spring, and when Fall and football season come around, it will become almost too much to ignore.

On the other hand, I feel so much...pressure to "grow up". Not so much pressure from other people, but pressure from myself. I feel like I need to get a better job...now. I need to save up all my money and pay my student loans...now. Graduate...now. Marriage...now. House...now. Kids...now. (Okay, scratch the last one, that CAN wait).

And then I start thinking about ALL THAT and it becomes way too much for me. Then I start to realize that I don't really want all of it now. At all. I would die at the prospect of all of those things happening to me all at once. I would be totally overwhelmed. Then I find myself again daydreaming of the "good ol' days of college". Funny how they are the best days of your life only after you've finished.

I suppose it's all supposed to be gradual. So gradual, in fact, that you don't even realize it's happening to you. And then one day, BOOM!, you're 35! Then you're probably back to wondering again. Only this time, you're wondering where your youth went. What a cycle.

Nothing's certain. I don't know exactly what I want out of life, but I would venture to guess that most people don't know the answer to that either. That fabulous thing about my life, however, is what I do know. I know who I am. I know who I love. I know who loves me. And, I have a family who loves and cares about me, which after teaching preschool for the past 7 months, is more than you can say for a lot of people.

Right now, I'm living and trying not to think too far into the future. It's just too difficult to live that way. Plus, I want to make the most of my 20s. I want to live it up, so that when I am 35 and wondering what happened to my youth, I can recall it being swept up in a sea of excitement, not drowned in tears of boredom.

Aight. I'm out, holla.