whatever.

UGH. I was trying so hard to refrain from this, but I just can't help myself. It's 5:30am, and I'm just laying here tossing and turning. I feel so sick about everything. I HATE feeling this way. I just want to wake up and find everything is different, back to normal. I am trying so hard to be positive and think of all the other things I am doing in my life, but my thoughts just keep on drifting back here. It's so frustrating.

I am just so sad. What a lonely place to be.

Now is That Part

Patterns are just an oddity. You get so used to something, and then when it stops, you still expect it. You wait for it, and when it's not there, you feel some kind of eerie sort of confusion. Something's missing. If you're like me, it really throws you off. The last couple of days have been weird. I have these urges to do things, but distract myself long enough so that it doesn't happen, because it can't happen. It's in the great book of unwritten rules, I think. My body and soul though, they're just not buying it. I guess they weren't privy to the rules. It just feels so wrong. I don't know.

I'm so imperfect. Of course, because who isn't? I'm really just not a "bounce back" kind of person. More like a soak in my own misery kind of person, actually.

One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was the sun setting over the Pacific. Thinking about that image reminds me that no matter how bad something has been, there's going to be a beautiful ending.

I wonder if it is, in fact, possible to turn off your brain. What a crazy feeling that would be. It would be even better if it could help me get some much needed sleep. Although, I have always what would happen if you never slept (the part before you die).

Hah, "the part before you die". Sounds like a good description of life. Or a good faux emo-esque song. I was thinking today about something I've pondered before. It's weird to think that we're all dying. Every day, we die a little bit more. Regardless of whether we have 80 years or 8 years to live, we're not getting more youthful. As much as America would like to believe we can, we can't add years to our life. No matter how healthy or careful you are, time is still ticking. We all die sometime. I guess that's enough motivation to enjoy the part before we die.

My Favorite(/My Top Most Annoying) Grammar Mistakes

10. Loose vs. Lose

9. Than vs. Then

8. Took vs. Taken

7. Ate vs. Eaten

6. Your vs. You're

5. Its vs. It's

4. S vs. 'S

3. Literally vs. Figuratively

2. Everyday vs. Every day

1. To vs. Too

Post Grad Forecast: Cloudy

I think I'm attempting to be about 8 different things right now, however, I am failing in all arenas.  :(

I just graduated Sunday.  Matt told me he was excited for about three days, then the excitement wore off and his diploma was thrown on the floor of his room.  As I type this, I can see my Bachelor of Arts degree lying on top of my commencement program in the middle of my floor.  He was right. 

Maybe it's because I didn't work hard enough to achieve it.  That little piece of paper is supposed to be a representation of the hard work I've accomplished over the last four years, but I feel like I'm lying to myself to say I worked hard for it.  I mean, sure, I put in effort.  I wrote all the papers and did the work, but I could have tried 100% harder.  Eh, I know now that it doesn't matter, but now I just feel like a fraud.

Also, I am working my current job, a student job, at the testing office.  I don't put my degree to use there at all.  I'm wasting my time.  I just don't know what I want to do with my degree.  I've been cursing myself for choosing communication as a major when I hate communicating.  I'm not even remotely good at it.  Who would hire me to strategically communicate?  Really?

I'm still thinking of myself as a student, while knowing that I've moved on from that stage of my life.  It's just hard to give up on something I've been clinging to since I was 5.  Every year, for the last 17 years, I have been doing the same drill.  Yet, this fall when August and September pass, I won't be returning for my 18th year of school.  That scares me more than anything.  The reality, even though I don't want to admit it, is that I probably won't ever return to school.  I don't think I can afford to, honestly.  Once I start working, I think it will be very difficult to ever go back.  So, I guess I need to give in to reality and start my job search, as unappealing as that sounds.

Being an adult never looked as depressing as it does now.  What was I thinking?!

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.  Some people have absolutely no respect for others, and it is totally and completely ridiculous.  I don't care what state of mind you are in, you can't just totally disrespect people.  UGGGGGH!  I'm so angry about this.  I feel like I just get stepped on over and over, and it is getting really old.

Now, I have strep throat and an exam tomorrow morning, but I'm up because I am too irritated to sleep.  That is annoying in an of itself.  I'm just so frustrated!!!

: )

Over and Out.

Oh, finals week.  A time when I always seem to find myself reflecting on the past 9 months.  Well, this will be my final finals week report, because I am officially moving on from the Ohio State University.  In just one week, I will be an OSU alum.  Time flies.

Well, I am happy to report, as always, I've learned this year.  I learned a lot from my study abroad in Ecuador, and of course from my time in the U.S. too.  I've had great times with friends and made amazing memories.  I'm going to really miss everyone after I graduate and we all start moving on and living our separate lives.  I think that will be somewhat of a hard transition, but only time will tell!

I've been thinking lately about the significance of this place in my life.  Right now, it is so big.  It means so much.  It is a huge part of who I am, really.  To me, Ohio State is a huge thing, but I think, in reality it is probably quite insignificant.  It's kind of depressing to think that about a 50,000 person university.  How insignificant can my one person life be then?  

But, I guess it's like that saying.  I don't remember how it goes, but something like "to the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world." I guess that is what makes life special.  The little personal relationships we have along the way define us much more than the impact we have on the whole world.  

Anyway, as I say goodbye to college, I would like to think that I learned something in the last four years.  I guess that's all you can hope for from the $80,000 price tag.