I just graduated Sunday. Matt told me he was excited for about three days, then the excitement wore off and his diploma was thrown on the floor of his room. As I type this, I can see my Bachelor of Arts degree lying on top of my commencement program in the middle of my floor. He was right.
Maybe it's because I didn't work hard enough to achieve it. That little piece of paper is supposed to be a representation of the hard work I've accomplished over the last four years, but I feel like I'm lying to myself to say I worked hard for it. I mean, sure, I put in effort. I wrote all the papers and did the work, but I could have tried 100% harder. Eh, I know now that it doesn't matter, but now I just feel like a fraud.
Also, I am working my current job, a student job, at the testing office. I don't put my degree to use there at all. I'm wasting my time. I just don't know what I want to do with my degree. I've been cursing myself for choosing communication as a major when I hate communicating. I'm not even remotely good at it. Who would hire me to strategically communicate? Really?
I'm still thinking of myself as a student, while knowing that I've moved on from that stage of my life. It's just hard to give up on something I've been clinging to since I was 5. Every year, for the last 17 years, I have been doing the same drill. Yet, this fall when August and September pass, I won't be returning for my 18th year of school. That scares me more than anything. The reality, even though I don't want to admit it, is that I probably won't ever return to school. I don't think I can afford to, honestly. Once I start working, I think it will be very difficult to ever go back. So, I guess I need to give in to reality and start my job search, as unappealing as that sounds.
Being an adult never looked as depressing as it does now. What was I thinking?!
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