Fall

What is it about autumn? There's something that, for me anyway, makes me feel nostalgic and contemplative. Winter too, I suppose. It's harder to think, here in Arizona. The sun always beckons you to the world outside. In Ohio, you shuttered yourself in your room and tried to stay warm, no choice but to confront your thoughts and innermost feelings. But here, it's sunny and bright and the world waits for you to make your sunny and bright appearance. Still, autumn calls me to think and feel, either here or 1,800 miles away. 

Do I know who I am? Truly, I mean, I know I have many identities, personas. I know what my roles are and sometimes I do them well and better than others. That's not WHO I am though. I know only a few things for sure, and really they're more a list of facts:

I'm Jessica. 

I'm 32-years-old. 

I have a lot of roles--wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher/coach, pet owner, video captioner, content creator.

I need and want to look deeper within myself. I think I'm a pretty funny person, I'm a good listener and advice giver, I notice things, I think about things too much sometimes. I love people profusely, but I know I don't always show it. The types of gifts I like to give are in the form of affirmations. I sincerely notice and really love to let people know how much I think of them and that I notice the good they do in the world. 

But what else is purely me? What does that even mean? Does it mean more than personality traits? I'm really not sure. I think as we get older we really sell ourselves short and become our roles. Roles are important and meaningful, but it's not who we are as people. Who is Jessica? And, to me, it's not about what I want, in life or elsewhere, because that's still not at the core of who I really am. 

It's so easy for us to wax poetically about our material desires, the shows we watch, and maybe even the friends we have, but it's incredibly hard to give a deep analysis of ourselves, even to our spouses and closest family and friends. 

Does it even matter who I am? Does anyone care? I think that I care, but even then, does it really matter? I'm honestly not sure, but at the moment, I'm curious and want to get to know the true me--even if for nothing.

I guess September is for blogging

Looking back, I see that the last time I used this blog was 2 years ago in September. And before that it was 7 years ago. Yikes!

Life sure has changed, even in the last two years. Right now, life looks like two daughters, one dog, and the only constant has been Matt and me. I'm only working once a week at school right now and spend the majority of my time with my girls at home.

Right now, we're just rolling into fall here in the Phoenix Valley. It's hot, but it's getting cooler and I'm starting to crave that fall feeling. I've been trying to recreate those sweet, cozy vibes through music, food, and spiced coffees. I want to decorate the house for fall, but it always seems like such an investment, monetarily and commitment-wise. I always feel like I miss the mark with decor. I think I don't know what I'm doing!

Fall brings back the memories from Ohio. The leaves falling, changing, crunching. The air getting crisp and cool. OSU football. The smell of bonfires and the chill of the air. It's such a beautiful time year in the midwest. Arizona fall is okay. It certainly doesn't feel as cozy, but you do get hints. They come in the early morning when it's been dark and the land has cooled down. You can a breeze here and there. The changes are definitely more subtle, but they're there. I really miss Ohio during this time of year.

Seasons seem so much more worth celebrating when you have kids. They are so excited for the changes and really, they make all of it so much more fun. I've really come to look forward to September through December.

Once again, we're contemplating. Do we stay or do we go? It's so hard to make a decision. I love so many things about my life here in Arizona, but Ohio seems to be calling me over and over. The pros and cons lists for both places are infinite and truly, we just need to make a real choice. It's so hard to have one foot here and one foot there. It's not the kind of dance I'd recommend to anyone, honestly.

I hope I do keep up with this blog more. I love the escape that writing provides and sometimes I just need to think through things this way. If not, I'll see you in a few years!

- Jessica