Ready, set, go!
Gentlemen, start your engines!
I wish God would yell one of those phrases to signify the start of my life (well, maybe not "ding!", that would actually be a pretty terrible way to start it). By life, I guess I mean adulthood. And by adulthood, well, I really don't know what I mean by adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like a child anymore, that's for sure. I am capable of taking care of myself and of making my own choices, but I just don't feel like my "real adult life" has started.
When does "real life" start? How is it signified? With a first real job? Maybe it's with marriage or your first child. Or perhaps it's when you buy your first home. Maybe it happened when I graduated high school and I just haven't realized it yet (something about eating burritos at 1 o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday in a dorm room tells me that's probably NOT when I became an adult). No, I'm pretty sure it hasn't begun yet. Right now, I'm stuck in the purgatory-like existence between youth and adulthood.
It's a weird feeling, being pulled by both ends. On one hand I feel so much nostalgia toward the past few years. I wish I could go back to that very dorm I ate burritos in. Sometimes, I want so badly to go back to the Oval and relax with my friends all day. The school spirit calls my name more often than not. I feel it now in Spring, and when Fall and football season come around, it will become almost too much to ignore.
On the other hand, I feel so much...pressure to "grow up". Not so much pressure from other people, but pressure from myself. I feel like I need to get a better job...now. I need to save up all my money and pay my student loans...now. Graduate...now. Marriage...now. House...now. Kids...now. (Okay, scratch the last one, that CAN wait).
And then I start thinking about ALL THAT and it becomes way too much for me. Then I start to realize that I don't really want all of it now. At all. I would die at the prospect of all of those things happening to me all at once. I would be totally overwhelmed. Then I find myself again daydreaming of the "good ol' days of college". Funny how they are the best days of your life only after you've finished.
I suppose it's all supposed to be gradual. So gradual, in fact, that you don't even realize it's happening to you. And then one day, BOOM!, you're 35! Then you're probably back to wondering again. Only this time, you're wondering where your youth went. What a cycle.
Nothing's certain. I don't know exactly what I want out of life, but I would venture to guess that most people don't know the answer to that either. That fabulous thing about my life, however, is what I do know. I know who I am. I know who I love. I know who loves me. And, I have a family who loves and cares about me, which after teaching preschool for the past 7 months, is more than you can say for a lot of people.
Right now, I'm living and trying not to think too far into the future. It's just too difficult to live that way. Plus, I want to make the most of my 20s. I want to live it up, so that when I am 35 and wondering what happened to my youth, I can recall it being swept up in a sea of excitement, not drowned in tears of boredom.
Aight. I'm out, holla.
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