3 years later…

I wonder if blogging will ever come back or is it just a thing you come back to three years later for the long lost thrill of it? I guess people write on Medium, but is that really a thing? Not really sure and it doesn’t matter.

I’m here to declare normalcy. I’m just a normal person in this world where being unique is so valued. I have quite the regular, plain Jane life. Kids, husband, dog—normal. Politically center right, but it feels to bold to share. Christian but can’t find a church home. Homeschooling—I guess that’s my one quirk. 

All in all, I’m the average Jo-Ann. And in a rainbow colored world of Jadeleighs and River Petals, I think I’m okay with that.

Tech Talk

What is technology doing to our brains? Honestly, not even technology in general, but handheld tech like iPhones and smart watches. They are constantly attached to us and truly our brains and bodies seem more and more one with our devices every day. I know that struggle to put down my phone at times. Yet, when I don't have it, I don't miss it all. 

I have been using computers for a long time. I was probably about 4 or 5 the first time I really remember playing a game on the computer--some floppy disk versions of Win, Lose, or Draw, a Bugs Bunny game, and a Sesame Street letter game are the activities that come to mind. I was in late elementary school the first time I used the internet at home, and even before that, I remember being amazed when I participated in Take Your Daughter to Work Day and I was able to write an email to Bill Clinton (that he would really respond to!). I remember in middle school, it became a requirement that all papers needed to be typed and in high school, we learned to research on the internet. I can vividly remember my high school geography teacher suggesting we use Google, as it was the best search engine. In my free time, I would IM (instant message) my friends. In college, AIM was the main method of communication--that and Facebook. Even now, almost 15 years later, I still use Facebook daily. In addition to that, I surf several other social media sites.

Social media. Therein lies the real problem. Social media is not a bad thing, BUT the problem is it pulls you in over and over, into things that don't really matter in your day to day life. However, it ends up taking up so much of my time. On one hand, I think to myself, this is so stupid, just get off social media altogether. And, really, I would probably be happier overall. Then practicality sets in. I run the social media account for Matt's business. I'm in support groups on Facebook that make me feel, well, supported--through pregnancy, childrearing, and whatever stage of life or transition I'm going through. Plus, of course I love to keep up with friends and see pictures of all the new babies and adventures they're having. I can think of a million reasons (excuses) to keep my social media accounts, but I know that even though there are definite good things about social media, deep down I know that they do more harm than good. 

One thing that really bothers me is the lack of content creating. I mean, there are very few people who mostly create content on the internet and the majority of us are most often consuming media. This does several things. One, it stunts creativity because our own creativity is never being exercised. Two, it leads you to fall into a trap of taking certain people's word as gold or maybe just more elevated than other voices because you are constantly seeing information curated by and created by them. Three, you tend to really fall into group ideas or groupthink, because you believe that everyone feels the way of a tiny group of people. I do feel better when I actually create content, but then that does lead to another issue. 

When you create content, it should be meaningful. It should have purpose and you should really stand behind what you are putting out into the world. When you write a book or make a painting or play a song, you do it with purpose. You are making art that you care about most of the time. With social media, you may somewhat care and have a fairly clear reason behind what you're posting, but in the back of your mind, you want approval from others. Businesses want the approval to get the customers to make the money for their companies. Individuals crave the approval of others through social media because at this time in our lives, many of us spend most of our time online and, consequently, the majority of our friends are online. If we created art or a journalistic work in real life, of course it feels good to get feedback and maybe you will. You may get a few people who tell you that your work is great or that it inspired them or left them feeling a certain way. However, how often does that happen? And do we assume everyone must not approve simply because they don't say it out loud? Of course not. We assume either they didn't see it, it wasn't for them, or they just don't feel comfortable expressing how they feel. Why is it so different online? I think there are a few reasons, one of which being the expectation of instant gratification--we get annoyed when "too few" people like our photos or comment on our statuses. Conversely, we get a bit of thrill and excitement with every new notification. Someone likes me, they really like me! 

This year has been extremely hard. The virus has been so difficult to deal with, so exhausting to think about day in and day out. This has driven meany of us to be on our phones, computers, and other devices way too much. We are working from home and socializing from home and it's just hard.Yet, where do when turn at the end of the day? Back to the devices to decompress. 

I'm not suggesting any type of solution here, just bringing up something that has been on my mind a lot lately and I needed to get it written down before the thought flew out of my brain. Let's make the most of the time we have, try to get out and get up, stretch, take a walk, and smell the flowers. And don't worry, the internet will be back when you're ready. You won't have missed much, I can guarantee it.

Fall

What is it about autumn? There's something that, for me anyway, makes me feel nostalgic and contemplative. Winter too, I suppose. It's harder to think, here in Arizona. The sun always beckons you to the world outside. In Ohio, you shuttered yourself in your room and tried to stay warm, no choice but to confront your thoughts and innermost feelings. But here, it's sunny and bright and the world waits for you to make your sunny and bright appearance. Still, autumn calls me to think and feel, either here or 1,800 miles away. 

Do I know who I am? Truly, I mean, I know I have many identities, personas. I know what my roles are and sometimes I do them well and better than others. That's not WHO I am though. I know only a few things for sure, and really they're more a list of facts:

I'm Jessica. 

I'm 32-years-old. 

I have a lot of roles--wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher/coach, pet owner, video captioner, content creator.

I need and want to look deeper within myself. I think I'm a pretty funny person, I'm a good listener and advice giver, I notice things, I think about things too much sometimes. I love people profusely, but I know I don't always show it. The types of gifts I like to give are in the form of affirmations. I sincerely notice and really love to let people know how much I think of them and that I notice the good they do in the world. 

But what else is purely me? What does that even mean? Does it mean more than personality traits? I'm really not sure. I think as we get older we really sell ourselves short and become our roles. Roles are important and meaningful, but it's not who we are as people. Who is Jessica? And, to me, it's not about what I want, in life or elsewhere, because that's still not at the core of who I really am. 

It's so easy for us to wax poetically about our material desires, the shows we watch, and maybe even the friends we have, but it's incredibly hard to give a deep analysis of ourselves, even to our spouses and closest family and friends. 

Does it even matter who I am? Does anyone care? I think that I care, but even then, does it really matter? I'm honestly not sure, but at the moment, I'm curious and want to get to know the true me--even if for nothing.

I guess September is for blogging

Looking back, I see that the last time I used this blog was 2 years ago in September. And before that it was 7 years ago. Yikes!

Life sure has changed, even in the last two years. Right now, life looks like two daughters, one dog, and the only constant has been Matt and me. I'm only working once a week at school right now and spend the majority of my time with my girls at home.

Right now, we're just rolling into fall here in the Phoenix Valley. It's hot, but it's getting cooler and I'm starting to crave that fall feeling. I've been trying to recreate those sweet, cozy vibes through music, food, and spiced coffees. I want to decorate the house for fall, but it always seems like such an investment, monetarily and commitment-wise. I always feel like I miss the mark with decor. I think I don't know what I'm doing!

Fall brings back the memories from Ohio. The leaves falling, changing, crunching. The air getting crisp and cool. OSU football. The smell of bonfires and the chill of the air. It's such a beautiful time year in the midwest. Arizona fall is okay. It certainly doesn't feel as cozy, but you do get hints. They come in the early morning when it's been dark and the land has cooled down. You can a breeze here and there. The changes are definitely more subtle, but they're there. I really miss Ohio during this time of year.

Seasons seem so much more worth celebrating when you have kids. They are so excited for the changes and really, they make all of it so much more fun. I've really come to look forward to September through December.

Once again, we're contemplating. Do we stay or do we go? It's so hard to make a decision. I love so many things about my life here in Arizona, but Ohio seems to be calling me over and over. The pros and cons lists for both places are infinite and truly, we just need to make a real choice. It's so hard to have one foot here and one foot there. It's not the kind of dance I'd recommend to anyone, honestly.

I hope I do keep up with this blog more. I love the escape that writing provides and sometimes I just need to think through things this way. If not, I'll see you in a few years!

- Jessica

7 Years

I literally haven't written a blogpost in 7 years. Wow. That's pretty crazy, considering how much of an outlet this used to be for me.

Well, I could give a 7 year recap...but who has time for that? And also, no one reads this blog, but me!

So. Big news. Matt and I are going to have another baby! We just found out last week. I'm excited, nervous, ready, scared...I think this baby is going to be a catalyst for some major changes in our lives. When I had Charlotte, there were, of course, changes. However, with this baby, we are seriously considering me quitting my full-time job to be a full-time mom...or at the very least, mostly a full-time mom. (Though, can you really ever be a part-time mom?).

I'm feeling anxious about all the decisions coming up in the next 9 months. Anxious about telling people. Anxious about the preparation. Anxious about taking a giant leap of faith toward a life I don't even know if I will like or be remotely good at. I'm scared. Really scared actually. I'm afraid I'm not going to be a good stay at home mom. I'm afraid that I'm better as a working mom. Afraid we won't have enough money. Afraid the lifestyle change will be too hard. Afraid of regret. But, don't I already have regrets? I regret not spending enough time with my first little love. I regret working, working, working...for what? If I don't quit this year, I'm afraid I will burn out anyway.

Also, on my mind, sort of in the same vein as staying at home with my kiddos...I've thought a lot about homeschooling. I am seriously considering it. Why? Well, I want my kids to have the best possible education and I'm not sure that can be provided in a regular classroom with 31+ kids. I'm also not sure that I want my kids to be influenced by all the negative things that happen in a classroom and the things that are brought from the homes of others. I just feel like kids are exposed to way too much way too early. And, I love teaching. Teaching is fun for me. Lesson planning and creating exciting learning experiences is fun for me, so if I decide to go the SAHM route, I feel like I could still have the outlet that is provided by teaching. But...again, doubt creeps in. What if I'm terrible at it? What if I hate it? What if I screw my kids up for life? What if they have no friends? There are just so many what ifs.

As I sit here, I'm looking at the clock realizing it is way too late for me to be awake and hacking away at my keyboard. I'm exhausted and none of this will resolve itself over night (especially not the parts that won't even be on the table for 5 years). With that, I'm going to log off and call it a night.

Goodbye blog. I hope to see you before the next 7 years passes in a flash.

So much running through my head right now. I wonder why I am in school and why I continue to pursue a career I'm so uncertain about.

To tell the truth, I love photography. I really enjoy every minute of it. I love to take pictures, but mostly I just love to make people look and feel beautiful. It brings me so much joy to see people happy with the photos I took. It's an amazing feeling. Another thing about photography is that it is one of the few things I've not given up on. I know I'm not the best, but I can also see that I've improved. I guess it must be the visual journey that I can see. I can tell how far I've come just by flipping back a few months in my photo albums. It's truly amazing. I wish I had more time and money, and I won't say I'm not a tad bit jealous of those who do, but I hope to continue working on this and taking this lifelong project to bigger, better and higher levels. I've never been this passionate about any other hobby or activity, and I think that's what really makes for a career I would love. I would do this for free, and that makes me even more inclined to make it my vocation.

BUT, I'm still in school trying to be a teacher. Yep. Pretty cool.

Is it just me, or do we all feel like we're making everything up as we go along? I'm 23, almost 24, actually, and I can't say I feel like a grown up yet. Everything in my life feels like I'm playing pretend. Going to work feels like a game, and everything I pursue feels like an acting job. I feel so empty of knowledge, and it seems like everyone else has all the answers.

I love Facebook. There are so many great reasons to have an account with this site. I get to keep up with old friends, easily share photos and quickly send and receive messages. As an avid Facebook user, however, there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed with the content I am consuming. I start to question why some of the people I have listed as "friends" are even connected to my account. We've all gone on a deleting spree, a friend clean sweep, if you will. I must admit that there were several people I didn't know by name and profile picture alone. If you can't identify a person on first glance, chances are you shouldn't be "friends" with them.

However, don't you feel like there are certain people you just cannot bring yourself to do delete? I do. Here are my should, but can't, delete Facebook friends:

1. People from High School

Ugh, there have been several times I have come upon an old high school classmate's profile and thought, "Why am I even friends with you on here? We weren't even friends in real life, nor do we ever communicate via the internet. I barely ever even look at your page." And yet, these people go undeleted. Why? I can't 100% sure, but I think it is a mixture of a few elements. For one thing, I feel guilty deleting a high school classmate. I mean, I DO know the person. And, I probably spoke more words to them than I did some of the randoms I have on my list from college classes. Part of it is probably the satisfaction I get from knowing my life is going better than theirs, or at least I make myself feel that way by laughing at their dumb pictures and wallposts. And of course there are a few of these high school classmates who's lives seem to be awesome, and well, I just want to stalk and envy them to be honest. I think that the difficulty in deleting high school people from Facebook stems from the insecure feelings I had in high school. At least now, 5 years later, I am "virtually popular" with people. I hope that last part isn't a big part of how I feel, because after using the term "virtually popular", I feel like a virtual loser.

2. People with Enraging Status Updates

This sounds so counterintuitive, but it is so true. I find it extremely difficult to delete people who drive me crazy with their status updates. One fellow in particular, we'll just call him "Orange Shorts" has the most outrageous, ridiculous statements constantly filling my newsfeed. I can't stand what he has to say, and I almost always think his opinions are idiotic. For some strange reason though, I can't seem to cut the cord.

3. People I think I can "Network" With Later

I put network in quotations, because I think I really mean, "use". There are certain people who I know are in my field. I know some people could be a possible asset to my future, so I keep these people on my friend list. Funny though, it seems that these people are always annoying and some of the first people I forget about out in Facebook land...well, see ya when I need ya, suckers!

Well, I'm too tired to write more write now. I'll write more later. Maybe. Probably not.

To Be Honest With You, I'm Honest With Me

I don't know what I want out of life. And, well, that is the one thing I've known for a while. I can't even think of a time when I truly really felt like I had a handle on what I wanted and liked and really cared about. I think basically my whole life, I have relied on others to guide me and tell me what is what. I am tired of it. I really am.

I'm 23 years old, and enough is enough. I need to gain mental, emotional, and social independence. Social independence may or may not be an oxymoron. I couldn't really say. But either way, I must retire these old ways, before I go absolutely crazy.

Not to boast, but I am generally well-liked. I mean, I have enemies and people who don't care for me, but I get along with most people. I attribute this mostly to the fact that I have an uncanny ability to scout out the similarities I have with basically anyone. Even the weirdest weirdo has SOMETHING in common with me. I've always prided myself on this skill, but as of late, I am starting to see it as a downfall. By matching everyone else, I've lost sight of myself. I am mixed up and confused as to who I really am. I want to be me and no one else, but I feel like, without anyone else...I AM no one.

I guess the first step is simply to make a gallant effort to stand up for what I believe in. I cannot cower and hide my true feelings anymore. I am entitled to my own opinion, whether it is popular or not. I cannot fear rejection. I just can't do it. I MUST BE ME!!!

Tonight I feel an overwhelming sense of excitement mixed with such a feeling of calm. It's inexplicable, really.

By the way, I just looked up the proper usage of inexplicable vs. unexplainable. Ironically (okay, I don't really know if it's ironic, as I've still yet to have solved that grammatical mystery), it was difficult to explain.

What a weekend! What can I say, really? It was an odd weekend, not in a bad way, just...odd. Friday was normal, but delicious. Matt and I went to the Japanese steakhouse, aka Benihana, and had amazing food. I had to housesit, so unfortunately, that was my next stop. It's nice making extra money, but so obnoxious to have to worry about the goings on at someone else's house. Anyway, but Friday was basically an average day. Saturday, I woke up and went shopping. There were amazing deals at the mall, and I actually ended up buying three dresses. (They were cute!) In the afternoon, in an effort to score a tan, I helped my dad spread mulch in the yard. Then, in the evening, I got ready to go to my high school reunion. Yes, we had a five year reunion--which apparently is weird to some people? Who knows. At first, about a week ago, I was reluctant to go. I mean, not really reluctant, but more like hesitant. I don't know why. I guess I was nervous that no one I was actually friends with would be there, or maybe because I felt like everyone would judge me or something. Regardless, I went, and actually managed to get Matt to go too. Truthfully, I had a good time. Sure, there were awkward conversations here and there. A drunkie every once in a while and annoyed thoughts certainly popped into my mind. All in all though, I thought it was fun. Sunday, I slept in, then woke up and came back to Sunbury. I don't really know what I did all day, but then I went to the mall to buy an iPad, which they didn't have. Then, I went to dinner with a multitude of friends (more like 6 others, including my boyfriend. I had a good time, but I think I ate something weird and/or bad, because my stomach hurt the next day. Lastly, Monday (weird that Monday is a holiday every once in a blue moon...) I went to a graduation party and then went to seek out garage sales. However, I ended up just going home, because I decided it wasn't worth the effort to scout through people's junk in hopes of finding treasure. Finally, Matt came over to use our internet and do his project for school. Unfortunately for me, reality set in tonight and I've already started freaking out about school stuff. Yippy skippy.

Lots of other random, weird thoughts and stuff running through my mind, but I'll save it for later, because I'm tired. Just felt like recapping my weekend to trick my mind into getting sleepy. I think it worked, so peace out.

I think to most people, having diverse friends means having friends who don't look like them, but still think like them.

"Oh, hey, here's my black friend. Don't worry though, because he's a Christian from a small town AND, get this, he's a republican!! He didn't even vote for Obama! Did you hear me say he is black?!"

I poke fun at myself.

Although, truthfully, I see it a lot more often from "the other side". Aka liberals who think that they are so selfless, high and mighty with their talk of diversity and free for all hippie love...it seems they are the first to shout "I hate ____!" when it comes to something they don't like. Oh yes, and slap the word "bigot" on the end of anyone's name who disagrees with them. Ah, dems.

Not that I don't like hippie love. 'Cause I do.

I need a sabbatical. I need to rid myself of all the grossness. All my nasty little habits that I don't even realize I have. Like, I need to take away stupid, pointless websites. I need to eat fresher, healthier food. I need to read more meaningful books. Get more education in a multitude of things. The list goes on and on. But really, I need to.

I wonder what my soul is like. I feel like I know my soul. I guess it is the core of my being and composed of the true, pure feelings and thoughts I have. It's unaffected by the outside world or any of my circumstances.

Even though I can't quite define my soul, I can't imagine living without it. It is me. This body, it's really nothing to me. It's like a vehicle to get me from point A (birth) to point B (death). My soul is the driver. It's me, purely me. Sometimes, I feel like I can go deep within my body and just ignore everything in the outside world. Maybe that sounds odd or like a bad idea, but to me, it's comforting.

Another thing I think about is what my life would have been like if I had been born into a different body at a different period of time in a different location. Would my thoughts and feelings remain the same? Would I continue to live life with the same values and goals? Or would I have a completely different outlook on life? I don't know. I'm not sure how much is circumstantial and what just is. It's confusing, overwhelming and interesting all at the same time. It's simply extraordinary that I even have the capacity to think about these things.

When I think about these types of philosophical questions and thoughts, it truly reaffirms my faith in God. What drives me to wonder these sorts of things, and why would any of it matter, if there was no God. I love that I have the drive and curiosity to understand and wonder about these things. It's honestly miraculous. Maybe I'm a nerd or lame or whatever, but truly I think it's fascinating.

On a slightly unrelated note, it is nice to be thinking about deeper, heavier things than the goings on between people at work. As I once read somewhere, (and I know I am butchering this quote), "Stupid people talk about other people, average people talk about events, and intelligent people talk about ideas." At least I feel a little less stupid thinking about something more meaningful...at least for a little bit...

Ding!

Ready, set, go!

Gentlemen, start your engines!

I wish God would yell one of those phrases to signify the start of my life (well, maybe not "ding!", that would actually be a pretty terrible way to start it). By life, I guess I mean adulthood. And by adulthood, well, I really don't know what I mean by adulthood. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like a child anymore, that's for sure. I am capable of taking care of myself and of making my own choices, but I just don't feel like my "real adult life" has started.

When does "real life" start? How is it signified? With a first real job? Maybe it's with marriage or your first child. Or perhaps it's when you buy your first home. Maybe it happened when I graduated high school and I just haven't realized it yet (something about eating burritos at 1 o'clock in the morning on a Wednesday in a dorm room tells me that's probably NOT when I became an adult). No, I'm pretty sure it hasn't begun yet. Right now, I'm stuck in the purgatory-like existence between youth and adulthood.

It's a weird feeling, being pulled by both ends. On one hand I feel so much nostalgia toward the past few years. I wish I could go back to that very dorm I ate burritos in. Sometimes, I want so badly to go back to the Oval and relax with my friends all day. The school spirit calls my name more often than not. I feel it now in Spring, and when Fall and football season come around, it will become almost too much to ignore.

On the other hand, I feel so much...pressure to "grow up". Not so much pressure from other people, but pressure from myself. I feel like I need to get a better job...now. I need to save up all my money and pay my student loans...now. Graduate...now. Marriage...now. House...now. Kids...now. (Okay, scratch the last one, that CAN wait).

And then I start thinking about ALL THAT and it becomes way too much for me. Then I start to realize that I don't really want all of it now. At all. I would die at the prospect of all of those things happening to me all at once. I would be totally overwhelmed. Then I find myself again daydreaming of the "good ol' days of college". Funny how they are the best days of your life only after you've finished.

I suppose it's all supposed to be gradual. So gradual, in fact, that you don't even realize it's happening to you. And then one day, BOOM!, you're 35! Then you're probably back to wondering again. Only this time, you're wondering where your youth went. What a cycle.

Nothing's certain. I don't know exactly what I want out of life, but I would venture to guess that most people don't know the answer to that either. That fabulous thing about my life, however, is what I do know. I know who I am. I know who I love. I know who loves me. And, I have a family who loves and cares about me, which after teaching preschool for the past 7 months, is more than you can say for a lot of people.

Right now, I'm living and trying not to think too far into the future. It's just too difficult to live that way. Plus, I want to make the most of my 20s. I want to live it up, so that when I am 35 and wondering what happened to my youth, I can recall it being swept up in a sea of excitement, not drowned in tears of boredom.

Aight. I'm out, holla.

I just like this little diddy that was in Rolling Stone:

DeLonge found out via the TV news at an airport while waiting to board a flight. He landed and mailed a letter and two photographs to Barker: a photo of Blink aboard a submarine in the Middle East and another of himself and his two kids. “One was ‘Do you remember who we were?’ and the other was ‘This is who I am now,’ ” DeLonge says. “No one knew if Travis was going to live or if he would play drums again. It was a good moment to put the shit aside.”

After Barker got out of the hospital, Hoppus says the trio “had two gnarly heart-to-hearts, really opened up and said a lot of things, and after that we were cool, and we don’t talk about it. We’re guys.” But the lessons of the past four years were clear: “When human life comes into the equation, that trumps everything,” DeLonge adds.

Anti Resume: How Not to Get the Job

Objective: To make money, obviously.

Education:

School of Online

Teaching and stuff

GPA: 4.0 (in the one class I've had)

O.S.U

Major: Communication (L.O.L.)

GPA: 3.something (in communication, hahah)

Experience (or lack of):

Preschool

Sub

-Almost throwing up whilst changing diapers

-Covering for teachers who don't feel like coming in

-Making up possibly age appropriate projects off the top of my head

Ohio State

Student Employee

-Surfed the internet for hours

-Talked to fellow employees about random subjects

-Lollygagged

Toy Store

-Drew pictures on bags

-idk?

Skillz:

-Procrastinating

-Writing papers that should take days in under an hour

-Being totally unorganized at all times

-Smiling

Hire me :)

I have been so busy lately. It makes me sad. I have had hardly any time to do the things I love. I never read for pleasure anymore. I can't find time to even write on this, or any other, forum. I rarely even listen to music. All of my outlets are out of reach, it seems. Even as I write this, I can't help but think that I should really be sleeping. I have to go to work in the morning for 8 hours, only after I work out for an hour. So, basically, as always, I will get no sleep. Happily, I am going to a baseball game in the evening though. Clippers, yeah!

It's just hard to be in school, working all the time and trying to have an actual life. I want to concentrate on being healthy, getting good grades, making money and balancing all my various relationships. The phrase, "life is hard," rings truer now than ever. I mean, I have never felt this busy, ever. Four years of college and 13 years of school before that have never made me feel this way!

Anyway, complaining or not, it's nice to have some sort of semi-creative outlet to dispense all of these feelings. They've just been overwhelming me and sort of making me go crazy. So, now I give them to you, World Wide Web. Thanks!

By the way, I just noticed every paragraph ended with an exclamation point. Good, now I've turned into one of *those* people. I'm fitting into the stereotypical teacher role quite nicely. Awesome...

It's not like I've never been stressed before, because I have. I would think I would know how to balance school and work with everything else life hands my way. Honestly, I feel like a huge baby when I see people at my work who are parents, work full time and go to school. I mean, obviously, if they can do it, I can too. I just feel so overwhelmed. It seems like it will never end and that every time I turn around there is something new to do.

I hate complaining. I really do. However, BIG HOWEVER, it seems like that is all I have been doing lately. I feel bad about it, too. Poor Matt has to handle me being in a bad mood all the time. I feel like I can never do anything fun at all, because I have school work that is waiting for me. It's so stressful and I really hate it. I have never felt this way toward school before. I mean, never. I have been in school for 18 years of my life, but I've never felt pressured like this. It's so much.

I just keep wish I were back in undergrad, where (now) it seems so safe and protected. There seems to be so many venues waiting help you with whatever problems come your way. Now, I feel like I am totally alone in this. Which, when you go to a school that is located 2,000 miles away from you, I guess you do start to feel a little isolated.

I don't know. I just feel like, all at once, I became an adult. It's so scary, and I just feel so alone all of the sudden. Honestly, a lot of times, my family stresses me out even more when I talk to them, and I feel like such a terrible girlfriend complaining to Matt all the time too. It's not even just that I feel like "bad girlfriend", but I don't want to spend all my time that I talk to him to be moaning and groaning. I love him, and I hate doing that to him, because he doesn't deserve to hear all of that stuff.

Bleh. It's so difficult to describe the way that all of this is making me feel, but it's not good. It's not really depression, but maybe a lot of anxiety. It seems like the world is whooshing by and I'm just standing here, dumbfounded. I want to cry and just stay in bed all day and not doing anything. Maybe not even all day. Just an hour.

ALL THAT...and I think there is something going on with my health. My ankle hurts tremendously, for starters. I am getting these weird head dizziness issues lately--like vertigo kind of feelings, and just feeling nauseas kind of. My toes do a tingling thing and sometimes my fingers and tongue too.

I need help, that's all I know.

I need to be up in four hours. Whoops. Ew. This is going to be bad. I have to work with small children. I am going to die. I want sleep. I want eight long, luxurious hours of sleep. I want to nap in the noon time and be happy. UGHGH, nooooo to work. NOOO!