Fall

What is it about autumn? There's something that, for me anyway, makes me feel nostalgic and contemplative. Winter too, I suppose. It's harder to think, here in Arizona. The sun always beckons you to the world outside. In Ohio, you shuttered yourself in your room and tried to stay warm, no choice but to confront your thoughts and innermost feelings. But here, it's sunny and bright and the world waits for you to make your sunny and bright appearance. Still, autumn calls me to think and feel, either here or 1,800 miles away. 

Do I know who I am? Truly, I mean, I know I have many identities, personas. I know what my roles are and sometimes I do them well and better than others. That's not WHO I am though. I know only a few things for sure, and really they're more a list of facts:

I'm Jessica. 

I'm 32-years-old. 

I have a lot of roles--wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher/coach, pet owner, video captioner, content creator.

I need and want to look deeper within myself. I think I'm a pretty funny person, I'm a good listener and advice giver, I notice things, I think about things too much sometimes. I love people profusely, but I know I don't always show it. The types of gifts I like to give are in the form of affirmations. I sincerely notice and really love to let people know how much I think of them and that I notice the good they do in the world. 

But what else is purely me? What does that even mean? Does it mean more than personality traits? I'm really not sure. I think as we get older we really sell ourselves short and become our roles. Roles are important and meaningful, but it's not who we are as people. Who is Jessica? And, to me, it's not about what I want, in life or elsewhere, because that's still not at the core of who I really am. 

It's so easy for us to wax poetically about our material desires, the shows we watch, and maybe even the friends we have, but it's incredibly hard to give a deep analysis of ourselves, even to our spouses and closest family and friends. 

Does it even matter who I am? Does anyone care? I think that I care, but even then, does it really matter? I'm honestly not sure, but at the moment, I'm curious and want to get to know the true me--even if for nothing.

I guess September is for blogging

Looking back, I see that the last time I used this blog was 2 years ago in September. And before that it was 7 years ago. Yikes!

Life sure has changed, even in the last two years. Right now, life looks like two daughters, one dog, and the only constant has been Matt and me. I'm only working once a week at school right now and spend the majority of my time with my girls at home.

Right now, we're just rolling into fall here in the Phoenix Valley. It's hot, but it's getting cooler and I'm starting to crave that fall feeling. I've been trying to recreate those sweet, cozy vibes through music, food, and spiced coffees. I want to decorate the house for fall, but it always seems like such an investment, monetarily and commitment-wise. I always feel like I miss the mark with decor. I think I don't know what I'm doing!

Fall brings back the memories from Ohio. The leaves falling, changing, crunching. The air getting crisp and cool. OSU football. The smell of bonfires and the chill of the air. It's such a beautiful time year in the midwest. Arizona fall is okay. It certainly doesn't feel as cozy, but you do get hints. They come in the early morning when it's been dark and the land has cooled down. You can a breeze here and there. The changes are definitely more subtle, but they're there. I really miss Ohio during this time of year.

Seasons seem so much more worth celebrating when you have kids. They are so excited for the changes and really, they make all of it so much more fun. I've really come to look forward to September through December.

Once again, we're contemplating. Do we stay or do we go? It's so hard to make a decision. I love so many things about my life here in Arizona, but Ohio seems to be calling me over and over. The pros and cons lists for both places are infinite and truly, we just need to make a real choice. It's so hard to have one foot here and one foot there. It's not the kind of dance I'd recommend to anyone, honestly.

I hope I do keep up with this blog more. I love the escape that writing provides and sometimes I just need to think through things this way. If not, I'll see you in a few years!

- Jessica

7 Years

I literally haven't written a blogpost in 7 years. Wow. That's pretty crazy, considering how much of an outlet this used to be for me.

Well, I could give a 7 year recap...but who has time for that? And also, no one reads this blog, but me!

So. Big news. Matt and I are going to have another baby! We just found out last week. I'm excited, nervous, ready, scared...I think this baby is going to be a catalyst for some major changes in our lives. When I had Charlotte, there were, of course, changes. However, with this baby, we are seriously considering me quitting my full-time job to be a full-time mom...or at the very least, mostly a full-time mom. (Though, can you really ever be a part-time mom?).

I'm feeling anxious about all the decisions coming up in the next 9 months. Anxious about telling people. Anxious about the preparation. Anxious about taking a giant leap of faith toward a life I don't even know if I will like or be remotely good at. I'm scared. Really scared actually. I'm afraid I'm not going to be a good stay at home mom. I'm afraid that I'm better as a working mom. Afraid we won't have enough money. Afraid the lifestyle change will be too hard. Afraid of regret. But, don't I already have regrets? I regret not spending enough time with my first little love. I regret working, working, working...for what? If I don't quit this year, I'm afraid I will burn out anyway.

Also, on my mind, sort of in the same vein as staying at home with my kiddos...I've thought a lot about homeschooling. I am seriously considering it. Why? Well, I want my kids to have the best possible education and I'm not sure that can be provided in a regular classroom with 31+ kids. I'm also not sure that I want my kids to be influenced by all the negative things that happen in a classroom and the things that are brought from the homes of others. I just feel like kids are exposed to way too much way too early. And, I love teaching. Teaching is fun for me. Lesson planning and creating exciting learning experiences is fun for me, so if I decide to go the SAHM route, I feel like I could still have the outlet that is provided by teaching. But...again, doubt creeps in. What if I'm terrible at it? What if I hate it? What if I screw my kids up for life? What if they have no friends? There are just so many what ifs.

As I sit here, I'm looking at the clock realizing it is way too late for me to be awake and hacking away at my keyboard. I'm exhausted and none of this will resolve itself over night (especially not the parts that won't even be on the table for 5 years). With that, I'm going to log off and call it a night.

Goodbye blog. I hope to see you before the next 7 years passes in a flash.

So much running through my head right now. I wonder why I am in school and why I continue to pursue a career I'm so uncertain about.

To tell the truth, I love photography. I really enjoy every minute of it. I love to take pictures, but mostly I just love to make people look and feel beautiful. It brings me so much joy to see people happy with the photos I took. It's an amazing feeling. Another thing about photography is that it is one of the few things I've not given up on. I know I'm not the best, but I can also see that I've improved. I guess it must be the visual journey that I can see. I can tell how far I've come just by flipping back a few months in my photo albums. It's truly amazing. I wish I had more time and money, and I won't say I'm not a tad bit jealous of those who do, but I hope to continue working on this and taking this lifelong project to bigger, better and higher levels. I've never been this passionate about any other hobby or activity, and I think that's what really makes for a career I would love. I would do this for free, and that makes me even more inclined to make it my vocation.

BUT, I'm still in school trying to be a teacher. Yep. Pretty cool.

Is it just me, or do we all feel like we're making everything up as we go along? I'm 23, almost 24, actually, and I can't say I feel like a grown up yet. Everything in my life feels like I'm playing pretend. Going to work feels like a game, and everything I pursue feels like an acting job. I feel so empty of knowledge, and it seems like everyone else has all the answers.

I love Facebook. There are so many great reasons to have an account with this site. I get to keep up with old friends, easily share photos and quickly send and receive messages. As an avid Facebook user, however, there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed with the content I am consuming. I start to question why some of the people I have listed as "friends" are even connected to my account. We've all gone on a deleting spree, a friend clean sweep, if you will. I must admit that there were several people I didn't know by name and profile picture alone. If you can't identify a person on first glance, chances are you shouldn't be "friends" with them.

However, don't you feel like there are certain people you just cannot bring yourself to do delete? I do. Here are my should, but can't, delete Facebook friends:

1. People from High School

Ugh, there have been several times I have come upon an old high school classmate's profile and thought, "Why am I even friends with you on here? We weren't even friends in real life, nor do we ever communicate via the internet. I barely ever even look at your page." And yet, these people go undeleted. Why? I can't 100% sure, but I think it is a mixture of a few elements. For one thing, I feel guilty deleting a high school classmate. I mean, I DO know the person. And, I probably spoke more words to them than I did some of the randoms I have on my list from college classes. Part of it is probably the satisfaction I get from knowing my life is going better than theirs, or at least I make myself feel that way by laughing at their dumb pictures and wallposts. And of course there are a few of these high school classmates who's lives seem to be awesome, and well, I just want to stalk and envy them to be honest. I think that the difficulty in deleting high school people from Facebook stems from the insecure feelings I had in high school. At least now, 5 years later, I am "virtually popular" with people. I hope that last part isn't a big part of how I feel, because after using the term "virtually popular", I feel like a virtual loser.

2. People with Enraging Status Updates

This sounds so counterintuitive, but it is so true. I find it extremely difficult to delete people who drive me crazy with their status updates. One fellow in particular, we'll just call him "Orange Shorts" has the most outrageous, ridiculous statements constantly filling my newsfeed. I can't stand what he has to say, and I almost always think his opinions are idiotic. For some strange reason though, I can't seem to cut the cord.

3. People I think I can "Network" With Later

I put network in quotations, because I think I really mean, "use". There are certain people who I know are in my field. I know some people could be a possible asset to my future, so I keep these people on my friend list. Funny though, it seems that these people are always annoying and some of the first people I forget about out in Facebook land...well, see ya when I need ya, suckers!

Well, I'm too tired to write more write now. I'll write more later. Maybe. Probably not.

To Be Honest With You, I'm Honest With Me

I don't know what I want out of life. And, well, that is the one thing I've known for a while. I can't even think of a time when I truly really felt like I had a handle on what I wanted and liked and really cared about. I think basically my whole life, I have relied on others to guide me and tell me what is what. I am tired of it. I really am.

I'm 23 years old, and enough is enough. I need to gain mental, emotional, and social independence. Social independence may or may not be an oxymoron. I couldn't really say. But either way, I must retire these old ways, before I go absolutely crazy.

Not to boast, but I am generally well-liked. I mean, I have enemies and people who don't care for me, but I get along with most people. I attribute this mostly to the fact that I have an uncanny ability to scout out the similarities I have with basically anyone. Even the weirdest weirdo has SOMETHING in common with me. I've always prided myself on this skill, but as of late, I am starting to see it as a downfall. By matching everyone else, I've lost sight of myself. I am mixed up and confused as to who I really am. I want to be me and no one else, but I feel like, without anyone else...I AM no one.

I guess the first step is simply to make a gallant effort to stand up for what I believe in. I cannot cower and hide my true feelings anymore. I am entitled to my own opinion, whether it is popular or not. I cannot fear rejection. I just can't do it. I MUST BE ME!!!