Shtuff.

Sleep is just not working for me. I have this really bad habit of sleeping at around 4 in the afternoon for 2-4 hours, then waking up and not being able to sleep at a normal time. It's just a bad idea.

I'm trying to write myself to sleep, which works sometimes, but other times it fails miserably. Nothing of too much interest on my mind right now. Honestly, I was just thinking about how much I dislike tribal tattoos on guys' arms. I think it just looks dumb. That's not really important, need-to-know information about me though.

I love relationships. By relationships, I mean any relationships, not specifically romantic ones. I love that their are people that I can get along with so well. To me, the way we interact with people is a great way of showing a difference between ourselves and the animals. I mean, we're specific. Sometimes (when I'm depressed about humanity and think my life is meaningless...times like that), I think that nothing matters and anyone can get along with anyone if they try hard enough. I'm sure that's true to a point, but the fact that their are people that you can form close bonds with, without trying very hard at all, that amazes me. I love that their are people in this world with whom I can talk about anything at all. I don't feel silly or stupid and relationships with them come so easily. It's amazing that God puts specific people in our lives. What a plan!

Lying--

There are people I know who live in the most interesting, strange positions. How can they be okay with that? How much should a person give and take before he or she decides it is too much? I don't know, honestly. Of course, I'm not an expert and certainly not one to judge. It's just perplexing, that's all.

Why are some people so completely fine with lying their lives away? A life without truth is so...odd... to me. I just don't get why you would want to live a lie. You can't do it forever. Maybe some people can. I just personally know that, for me, living that way (even to a small degree) becomes too much. You have to be honest with yourself at some point. I don't know. Wouldn't you want that? Living in a way that you know is a lie, it's not getting you anywhere. It's not doing anything but bogging you down and tying you closer and closer to a bunch of lies that aren't you.

I'm just tired of hearing all the lies--over and over and over. It gets so old. Manipulative, lying, untrustworthy individuals are just slowing down the progress of the rest of us. Just leave honest, trusting people alone. Pick on someone your own size, if you will. None of the people or situations I am thinking about are even in my own life, it's just hard to watch friends go through this stuff. It's sad for them, because they're just in that place, where it is so hard to see. Looking from the inside out is certainly not an easy task.

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

Okay, when I start pulling lyrics from songs by The Fray, I need to get my life together...

I'm such a child. I really am. It's funny to say that, because in so many ways, I think I'm an adult, but I'm clearly not. Yes, I am 22, carry a horizontal license and hold a bachelor's degree...but I'm still so immature. Well, maybe not immature, but certainly inexperienced. Not only that, but it seems I haven't gotten over that fact that there are other people in the world with bigger problems than my little, petty ones. Some things that are way too scary for me to face. When I think of it like that, I actually feel like a selfish brat. I wouldn't say my life has been perfect or easy, but I would say I've been pretty lucky. So far, I haven't had to face anything I couldn't handle. So, since I'm not dead, I guess all those things have made me stronger.

B-T-Dubs--I love that phrase: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I like it because I really think it holds pretty true. Every little thing that happens to you helps give you experience and shapes your character. Even if you are physically injured, you become mentally and emotionally stronger. For some reason, I can't get Lt. Dan's image out of my mind, which is really making me want to watch Forrest Gump, but that's another subject in and of itself.

Anyway, I'm getting tired and should really go to bed and think about things other than myself. Goodnight!

In No Particular Order...

Whitest things I've done all day:

Google Search box reads: What's a weave?

Yep.

Thing #2--whitest rap ever happening in my mind right now...

Lightening bolts in my brain

Make me go insane

It's like flying at the speed of stopping

Makes no sense but I better start mopping

'Cause to me my mind is like a messy floor

But to everyone else, just seems like a bore

This is how I rap

This is how I rap

--I really see this becoming a hit someday, so watch out.

*HAH, after posting that, reread it (the rap part) and really, it REALLY does not make sense.

Doodododoo (you know, like the Twilight Zone theme song...?)

Everything I've written lately has been dumb, boring, depression-fest, blah, whatever, junkville, etc. To all my adoring fans (I'm guessing at this point just myself and one or two bored people reading this), I'm sorry. I have been writing what I've been feeling (see above descriptor words). I know, however, that my stupid blog entries are not what I would call entertaining or thrilling in the least. Anyway, I'm not going to promise changes...just saying I recognize.

Sooo, I'm trying to work out some pretty complicated...math...in my head right now. It's confusing and very algebraic. Just trying to figure out the X factor, as life always wants you to do. Well, except I guess I don't really know what's on the other side of the equal sign. Wow, I feel like the ultimate nerd right now, trying to compare my life to an algebra equation. But, really though, it would be much easier if I did know what was on the other side of the the equal sign...ehhh, but sooo much less thrilling.

I just want to have everything both ways, and I am coming to realize that it's impossible to live life that way. It's also impossible to control every little thing that comes my way. I can't force things and make things happen that aren't supposed to happen. I don't know what God has planned for me. I can't keep trying to bend and contour my life so that things happen all my way all the time. That's just dumb, pointless manipulation. And if I've learned anything from Lost (zing!...Had to get a Lost reference in here), things course correct themselves. So, even if I could manipulate something my way, if it isn't meant to be, it's not going to happen. And, likewise, if it is meant to be, well it will go that way. It's just the uncertainty of it all that really bothers me.

I think I found my soulmate tonight though. Unfortunately, he was a movie character. Peter Klaven in I Love You, Man. I saw it, as well as my friends did. He was the male version of me. Goofy, slightly awkward, not that cool, but not super lame either (maybe I'm making up the last one to make myself feel good). Anyway, it was a good movie/hilarious.

Hmmmm...what else is on my mind that doesn't sound like complaining or whining or depressing or a therapy session? Uhhhhh...I'm excited to see the Blink-182 concert next month. I can't wait. I hope it's a good concert. I've been waiting for this day to come, hahah...for real though, I have. It's like a dream come trueeee!

Coups

One thing that is highly underestimated in this world: coupons.

We forget about them until we need them. After we're done with them, we move on forget them all over again. It's funny though, because each time you use a coupon, you feel a little sense of accomplishment. "Ooooh, la, la, I just saved a dollar," you think, as you purchase your $1.00 of pizza. I think you almost get a feeling that you ARE winning in life, even if for only a minute. All those minutes, seconds, moments of happiness, they add up. It is only a little money you are saving, but it's not about the money, in reality. It's about the fact that you are getting ahead, saving, doing good for yourself. Those feelings are hard to come by in large doses. But coupons, they get the job done--a dollar at a time.

*I'm glad my life has come to writing about 3 inch scraps of paper.

Titles Are Just That

Titles are so confusing. They're just rankings. "Best friend", "Favorite", "Friend", "Boyfriend", "Enemy". Then, when they change, what are you left with? It's doubtful the person has changed overnight from best friend to enemy. Well, I suppose it's all in how you look at it. Ha, no wonder so many people shy away from the commitment of marriage. I'm sure the titles of husband and wife are frightening to embark upon.*

Roles are weird too. Why do you have to change roles when stupid little titles change. You aren't changing as people. They're just words. Dumb and powerless, and yet all too powerful.

Thank God for family. They are always there, and I would venture to say that their titles rarely change. At least there is one stable force in everyone's crazy lives.

I'm glad my life thus far has been pretty simple. There have been a few times when I have questioned my life's stability, but for the most part, it's been okay.

*Side note: I just now realized that the proper spelling of embark involves a "k". Oddly, I always thought it was a "q". And I think I am a decent speller...clearly not.

whatever.

UGH. I was trying so hard to refrain from this, but I just can't help myself. It's 5:30am, and I'm just laying here tossing and turning. I feel so sick about everything. I HATE feeling this way. I just want to wake up and find everything is different, back to normal. I am trying so hard to be positive and think of all the other things I am doing in my life, but my thoughts just keep on drifting back here. It's so frustrating.

I am just so sad. What a lonely place to be.

Now is That Part

Patterns are just an oddity. You get so used to something, and then when it stops, you still expect it. You wait for it, and when it's not there, you feel some kind of eerie sort of confusion. Something's missing. If you're like me, it really throws you off. The last couple of days have been weird. I have these urges to do things, but distract myself long enough so that it doesn't happen, because it can't happen. It's in the great book of unwritten rules, I think. My body and soul though, they're just not buying it. I guess they weren't privy to the rules. It just feels so wrong. I don't know.

I'm so imperfect. Of course, because who isn't? I'm really just not a "bounce back" kind of person. More like a soak in my own misery kind of person, actually.

One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was the sun setting over the Pacific. Thinking about that image reminds me that no matter how bad something has been, there's going to be a beautiful ending.

I wonder if it is, in fact, possible to turn off your brain. What a crazy feeling that would be. It would be even better if it could help me get some much needed sleep. Although, I have always what would happen if you never slept (the part before you die).

Hah, "the part before you die". Sounds like a good description of life. Or a good faux emo-esque song. I was thinking today about something I've pondered before. It's weird to think that we're all dying. Every day, we die a little bit more. Regardless of whether we have 80 years or 8 years to live, we're not getting more youthful. As much as America would like to believe we can, we can't add years to our life. No matter how healthy or careful you are, time is still ticking. We all die sometime. I guess that's enough motivation to enjoy the part before we die.