Confederate flag, cut off men's tank tops, sweaty hats, UFC fights, Ed Hardy/Affliction tees, men's short sleeved button downs.

Ew.

Least Fave Things.

Social Networking.

I am totally and completely a social networking fiend [Note: This is what the majority of the world would deem a nerd]. Honestly, these sites are the first thing I check in the morning and the last thing I find myself doing at night. Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, Tumblr, Blogger. I love them! I wouldn't say I was obsessed exactly, but I definitely spend more than my fair share of time roaming around these sites.

I think I love the fact that even though you are behind a computer screen, you are still interacting socially with the people around you. It's the same as one would have gone and say, hung out in a bar, in the olden days (1999). However, the bar is just a little bigger these days. There are more people, broader interests, greater variety, and maybe even a little less alcoholism. Each site, or online meeting place, if you will, serves a totally different purpose. For me, it goes like this:

Facebook--a site for me to keep up with the people I actually do spend time with in "real life". Also, a good way to reconnect with old chums that have been lost along the way (think high school friends). And, lastly, not to mention most shamefully, I must admit it is a great way to stalk other peoples' lives. As I always say though, if people didn't want you to look, they wouldn't put it on the internet.

Twitter--I know a lot of people use it as a more "general audience" tool than Facebook. For me though, I find that my tweets are much more personal than my statuses on Facebook. Perhaps it is because I choose to maintain a private Twitter account paired with the fact that I have less than 30 followers. I feel I can be more true to myself in an environment where only a few people are reading my thoughts.

Flickr--This is my most recent addition to my social networking lineup. I love it because I enjoy receiving feedback on my photos. Also, I really like viewing other peoples' work and commenting on it as well. It is a great learning tool and very unlike the other networking sites I partake in.

Tumblr--I would say I have a love/hate relationship with Tumblr. At first, I loved it, but there is only so much time you can spend editing and updating a page that you feel as though no one views. So, I quit using it for a time. However, I have returned and have a new page now. I'm just using it to post photography mostly. It's mostly just for my own enjoyment and self-accountability, but it would be nice to have others enjoy it as well.

Blogger--It's odd for me to think of Blogger as a social networking site. I know it is, but it is easy to forget that when you are writing almost solely for yourself. I know there are a few people who read this blog off and on, but it is pretty private. Only a handful of my friends know this blog exists and they are a few that I trust deeply. Therefore, I am extremely open on here. I treat it as a semi-private journal and almost always forget that other people will be reading. It's a nice place for me to write and let out my feelings.

Anyway, that's my take on social networking and whatnot. There's no real reason for this post, other than the fact that it was on my mind.

I Want.

I want to be a better girlfriend

I want to be the best girlfriend

I want to be the closest friend

I want better

I want the world

I want to find my talents

I want to be authentic

I want originality in my life

I want to be free

I want to rip things up and start anew

I want to live fuller

I want to find wisdom

I want to love deeply

I want to breathe the purest air

I want to see everything

I want to know God's love as well as humanly possible

I want to feel

I want to be unrestrained

I want to experience pure and utter bliss

I want to stop judging

I want to grow spiritually

I want to learn every single day of my life

I want to wear a genuine smile

I want to open every door and explore

I want to achieve my dreams

I want to work hard

I want to be more than an average girl

I want to be beautiful

I want to be courageous

I want to write eloquently and speak with dignity

I want to have an informed opinion

I want to be in control

I want to learn to lose control

I want to face my fears

I want to show my family I love them

I want to show everyone I love them

I want to be strange

I want dignity

I want to stand out in the crowd

I want to be different

I want to please

I want to admit when I'm wrong

I want to cry out

I want to be who I am meant to be

I want to feel at peace

I want to have passion

I want more

"H-e-double hockey sticks"

Yesterday, I was at the preschool subbing with the 2-year-olds. We went in the gymnasium running around, while the three-year-olds were playing with a parachute. As I watched them waving the chute around, one boy got a bit agitated. The next words out of his mouth, in response to whatever the first child did to irritate him, were, "What the hell was that for?"

At first, I thought I may have heard wrong, but upon seeing his teachers' faces, it was confirmed that he actually had said it. The assistant teacher pulled him aside and told him to never say it again, etc. and the lead teacher called to her, "He probably doesn't realize it's a bad word." He cried as he was reprimanded, then went back on his merry way with the rest of the children.

It was sad though. Of course, at age three, you can only assume he is hearing that word frequently at home. Why else would he utter such a thing? It's never used at school, by teachers who specifically work to not say any foul language.

Parents fail to realize just how preceptive children are. Perhaps, the sentence was never used directly to him, but maybe it was used in a fight between parents. Or an older brother or sister said it to friends. It's hard to say. It's little incidences like this, however, that mold a person. I think often about how each little tiny piece of our life influences us, no matter how small we think it is at the time.

I think that is one reason I want to be an elementary school teacher. I want to be part of what molds people's lives. In my opinion, early experiences are some of the biggest and most life altering. They are things that shape our very core. I want to make sure I am part of what influences a child's life. Hopefully, I can change the course of their lives for the better. Can a teacher really do that? I don't know, but if it is possible, I want to try.

School/Salt/School

Earlier today, I was thinking, "Hmmm, I should write a blog with more direction. I need to pick a topic and stick with it. I try to throw way too much random stuff into mine. I bet it would be a lot more interesting if I just wrote on one topic." I'm sure that's all true and those are valid points. I just can't bring myself to do it.

Maybe it's the fact that this is a replacement for a journal (for the most part). Also, I have so many varied, never stagnant, interests that it would be nearly impossible to choose one and write solely about that one thing. I shudder thinking about that.

On that note, I was really excited today when I found out that I was accepted into the early childhood education master's program at Arizona State University. I've been anxiously awaiting the verdict for a few months and I am happy the verdict brought good news! Unfortunately, the high of being admitted was quickly shoved aside by the reality that I need to find the funds to pay for it all. I'm sure it will work itself out though. I guess everything always does.

Second big note of the day, I attempted a saline rinse (some call it the saltwater wash, but I find 'saline rinse' to sound slightly more appealing). It was an interesting experience. I poured a cool glass of water, stirred some table salt in and gargled. Immediately, I spit out the mixture, realizing it should have been warm. It's odd that generally the last thing I would drink would be warm water, however when mixed with salt, it seems unnatural cold. So, I again mixed my saline solution, only this time with warm water. I gargled again, felt like I was in the cheapest version of the ocean for about 5 seconds, and spit. Then the really fun part came in. Using a baster, I squeezed some of my warm saltwater (get ready for it) up my nose. Yes, in one nostril, out the other. It was as disgusting as it sounds, but I think it helped. My nose definitely cleared out, and on the upside, it reminded me of the beach. All in all, not a bad experience.

Tomorrow, and the rest of the week, I am working with the infants at school. As much as I love babies, and I really, honestly do, I am not looking forward to it. I enjoy being around babies. I think they are adorable and cuddly, but I am just not used to them. I think I am a little scared of them. Scratch that, I am scared of myself around them. I don't want to hurt them or upset them. I just don't have experience around babies and I feel like I'm not adequately trained to spend time with them. It's slightly frightening to be around little people who don't talk or walk and be able to understand how to communicate with and understand them. It's something I will have to get used to, especially this week, as I will be spending the majority of my week with them.

I guess I should go to bed now. I need to get some rest before my long day tomorrow. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly. Before I go, I just want to make the observation that I wrote twice as much about pouring salt water down my nose and mouth than I did about being accepted into my master's program. That is me. That is Jessica in a nutshell. Goodnight!

How does one manage to feel incredibly tired all day, yet somehow finds it impossible to sleep at night? I find myself in this predicament tonight. Honestly, I find myself here many a night. However, tomorrow, I am scheduled to be at work by 8:3oam. Wake up in less than four hours. I can only imagine that this is going to be a terribly tired Tuesday.

I just want to sleep. I knew I should have downed some Benadryl when I had the chance. Nothing like a little OTC medicine to knock you out. Sorry if I sound a bit whacko, but the thought of working with little children all day on no sleep just sounds horrific. I will need coffee. Lots of coffee.

I'm glad I've clearly resorted to drugs as the answer. In one fell swoop (or paragraph, as the case may be), I've mentioned my regret for not taking a drug to put me to sleep and the desire I have to use another that will wake me up in the morning. So is the life of the American adult.

It's no wonder we pump ourselves full of medication. The demands of the outside world are hard to deal with. There are 168 hours in a week: you spend 40 hours working & supposedly 56 of them sleeping...that leaves 72 hours for all other activities and commitments. 3 days...3 DAYS out of 7 that you are allowed to spend freely. Not even that, once you add in chores, errands, driving, and whatever other unpleasantries the week may bring you. I'd venture to say you are left with about 2 days a week of relaxation (ah, yes, the weekend).

As a write this, I wonder where I was trying to go with this whole thing, and honestly, I'm not sure, but it is making me tired.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

My Medulla Oblongata

I find myself constantly hoping, wishing and praying that one day, someone will overlook the fact that I have no experience in anything worthwhile and give me the job of my dreams. However, as of yet, that hasn't happened.

Is it the economy? Is it my lack of drive? I'm not really sure why I have yet to find employment. There are many factors, such as the two I just listed, and also one big, fat looming fact: I don't know what to do. Indecisiveness. Yes, that is truly my middle name (yes, I know it is TRULY Ann, but it should be Indecisiveness). I have the hardest time making up my mind about certain things. I often wonder how people can take the easy route and not examine every angle for all it's worth. At times, I envy those people. They make a decision (right or not) and take action. I, on the other hand, debate and over think everything. Sure, it's great when you have a big decision you have to make--until you actually do have to make the decision. That's where I panic. Generally, I jump off the proverbial boat, as one might say. I grab my lifejacket and go.

Alas, I'm reaching the ripe old age (HAH) of 22, and now is past the time that certain life decisions should have been made. Now, I must face them.

I THINK I want to be a teacher. I would love to say that I know that is my calling and it is what I want to do, but unfortunately, I'm just not sure. I'm attempting to get into graduate school right now, and I can't help thinking that I'm using the additional schooling as a way to hide out for a few more years. I honestly hope not, because that's a pretty expensive hideout.

I just finished an application for a job I don't think I am qualified for. One good thing is that I am at least excited to do it. Unfortunately, it's also I job that I have a feeling has quite a few candidates.

2009, you are a tough cookie.

Dear Barack,

You promised hope and change. Now, I'm hoping I can live off of spare change.

Thanks for everything this year, and can't wait for the next three!

Yours Truly,
Me

INTENSE PLANS FOR THE FUTURE

In the future...

I would like a dog named Rudy and a cat named Aunt Jemima.

That is all.

I'm not entirely sure what freedom is. Of course, I know the simple meaning, the meaning I realized as a small child. Freedom is the ability to do what you want. You get to choose everything. No one can force you do anything you don't want to do. You have freedom to do what you think is best.

Then, after a small bout with growing up, I realized that that's really not what freedom is. In real life, in adult life, it's not always about what YOU want to do. Sometimes having freedom has very little to do with what you want, anyway. It's so confusing and it just makes me frustrated to think about it.

A lot of times, now being one of them, I feel like I have no control over my life. It seems like everyone else calls all the shots and I'm doing what I'm told. I want to be the boss of my life!

Sorry I sound like a four year old. This post is stupid.

I'd Just Go On And On Forever...

I guess the universe really does course correct itself when something goes off track. Our fate is inevitable. We can prolong the final outcome, but in the end, what was going to happen is what will happened, what has always happened.

It's fascinating to think that we all have a future. Not only that, but in some strange other dimension, it has happened already. Or, if it has not already happened, it is at least known.

This was always my favorite topic in philosophy. I always (and still do) tended to subscribe to the theory that we have free choice, yet we do have an ultimate fate, that God already knows. We cannot see our future, so in our eyes, it may seem like there is total chaos and anything can happen. In reality, as far as I know, it's not exactly that way. True, we can make choices and anything could have happened, but the pre-determined fate will happen.

Our lives our a picture. There is a beginning and an end, both of which our certain. We can see it all drawn out--except WE cannot see it. Someone else (God) is the only one privy to that information.

Fascinating, no?

Anyway, back to course correction. It seems sometimes that we work so hard to go against the grain, fight the inevitable, but in the end, it all straightens out and you continue to fall back in line with your life plan. Well, actually you never left it, because it's all part of the plan, anyway. You date the "wrong" people, you choose the "wrong" major, you make the "wrong" choices. However, those people, places, things--they were there for a reason. If they weren't you could have never seen what you really wanted out of life. YOUR fate is in YOUR hands. It's free will, free choice. All the things you do along the way are leading you to your, I hate to use this word, destiny.

One last thing before I go, the k-word. KARMA. I've been talking about it lately. I've been thinking about karma a lot. To me, it makes no sense. It's not real, and here's why I think so. Firstly, the whole concept of karma is "what goes around comes around", but as we can see in various and plentiful examples, this is not true. How many babies die every day? What have they done wrong? Young, innocent girls who get raped, what have they done to deserve that? Or, on the flip side, people who murder and never get caught, why not? According to karma, they should not be spared. People who launder money, yet become wealthy and our happy all their lives, where is the karma there? Secondly, when you do things to people, make mistakes, etc., those are just things, events, that happen in our lives to guide us to our final destination. If karma were in charge, we would get nowhere. We would float around all day experiencing the boomerang effect of our actions. It simply isn't valid and doesn't make sense.

After all that thrilling discussion, hopefully there's been a grain of something interesting in all that mess.

Explicame

I need to document this before I forget. I mean, I probably will forget, not because it wasn't an important piece of life, but because my memory has been failing me more and more often as of late.

Anyway, earlier, about half an hour ago, I was riding the bus to work and something odd happened. We hit a bump in the road, a little bubble formed on the top of my coffee cup (it rose from the sipping hole on the lid) and all at once I felt the strangest pang of...something.

It's difficult to describe. The best way I can think of to explain this mini phenomena is to liken it to deja vu, but it wasn't deja vu. It was the complete opposite, really. Deja vu is when you feel like you are going through something you've been through already. It's like you are reliving the past, but it's really the present. You just feel like you've done it all before. This, however, was like I was living the future before it happened. It was so incredibly odd. I've never felt that way before. There was a rush of excitement and knowledge. I can't quite explain it.

A quick Wikipedia search is showing me all kinds of things related to deja vu, none of which compare to what I am talking about. The term jamais vu is closest, meaning "never seen", but it's still not right. It's more like, "not seen...yet".

All things are weird and strange before we find their explanation.

Excerpt From This Delightful Book...

"...And Ingrid was very--patient. Overly patient. Willing to put up with odd behavior, in the hope that someday I would shape up and marry her martyred ass. And when somebody is that patient, you have to feel grateful, and then you want to hurt them. Does that make any sense?"

"I guess. I mean, no, not to me, but I don't think that way."

The Time Traveler's Wife

Audrey Niffenegger

pg. 161

Stomach is Sick

I wonder why I have the opinions that I do. I wonder if anyone actually cares what I think. If I had to guess, I would vote for probably not. One 22-year-old girl's opinion isn't of much importance in the eyes of the rest of the world. Every once in a while, I wonder who stumbles upon this blog. I know of a few people who read it, but I'm curious to know whether anyone ever just reads it, not knowing who I am or anything about the author.

Really, I think people should just do what they want. I'm generally not for laws that prohibit people from expressing their free will and making their own choices--as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I guess that last part is what separates me from the libertarians of the world. People's personal choices are between themselves and God. Who am I to interfere with that? I'm just a girl with some hazy viewpoints, anyway. So many moral dilemmas, so little time.

There are certain political/moral issues that I have a clear cut opinion on, but there are others that I'm not so sure about. One thing that I think I believe is that there shouldn't be a death penalty. I just don't think that it is benefiting anyone to take another human life. Personally, killing someone who murdered a family member would not grant me serenity. However, I've never been in such a horrible position. I suppose I can't really give a great answer, nor do I have a right to shout my views about a situation I pray to God I will never be placed in.

Gun control is a confusing issue too. And, even though I just said I was anti-death penalty and this might sound odd, I think people should be allowed to carry guns. Of course, there should be somewhat strict laws and regulations (I wouldn't want a terrorist/murderer/madman carrying a machine gun), but I don't think it should be totally illegal. In cases of self-defense, it could be the only option. On the other hand, I don't think I could ever actually shoot someone. For one thing, I've never even touched a gun, so I think I would be frightened by one anyway. Also though, I don't know that I would ever be able to hurt someone like that. I can't even imagine punching someone in the face, so shooting a person with a weapon sounds less than appealing. Without the public having access to weapons though, I believe it would be alarmingly easy for the government to control its citizens (even if it were just a bunch of police on a power trip).

I'm really not sure what's sparked all this. I'm actually rather tired and have an upset stomach from one too many chocolate covered coffee beans. Today was mind numbingly average. Average is worse than terrible, in my eyes. I hate the feeling of emptiness or dullness. I would rather have any kind of emotion. Well, maybe. I did have a few bouts with sadness today, but that's what will happen when you torture yourself with the same few songs on loop the entire day.

I'm going to head to bed now, I think. Hopefully, I can sleep instead of rolling around in my bed. I need to take control of my racing mind. It controls me at night, which is never a good idea.

Life as of Late

Getting older. Be bolder!

Getting wiser? Be a miser! (Ugh)

Grow up! Growing up.

Shtuff.

Sleep is just not working for me. I have this really bad habit of sleeping at around 4 in the afternoon for 2-4 hours, then waking up and not being able to sleep at a normal time. It's just a bad idea.

I'm trying to write myself to sleep, which works sometimes, but other times it fails miserably. Nothing of too much interest on my mind right now. Honestly, I was just thinking about how much I dislike tribal tattoos on guys' arms. I think it just looks dumb. That's not really important, need-to-know information about me though.

I love relationships. By relationships, I mean any relationships, not specifically romantic ones. I love that their are people that I can get along with so well. To me, the way we interact with people is a great way of showing a difference between ourselves and the animals. I mean, we're specific. Sometimes (when I'm depressed about humanity and think my life is meaningless...times like that), I think that nothing matters and anyone can get along with anyone if they try hard enough. I'm sure that's true to a point, but the fact that their are people that you can form close bonds with, without trying very hard at all, that amazes me. I love that their are people in this world with whom I can talk about anything at all. I don't feel silly or stupid and relationships with them come so easily. It's amazing that God puts specific people in our lives. What a plan!

Lying--

There are people I know who live in the most interesting, strange positions. How can they be okay with that? How much should a person give and take before he or she decides it is too much? I don't know, honestly. Of course, I'm not an expert and certainly not one to judge. It's just perplexing, that's all.

Why are some people so completely fine with lying their lives away? A life without truth is so...odd... to me. I just don't get why you would want to live a lie. You can't do it forever. Maybe some people can. I just personally know that, for me, living that way (even to a small degree) becomes too much. You have to be honest with yourself at some point. I don't know. Wouldn't you want that? Living in a way that you know is a lie, it's not getting you anywhere. It's not doing anything but bogging you down and tying you closer and closer to a bunch of lies that aren't you.

I'm just tired of hearing all the lies--over and over and over. It gets so old. Manipulative, lying, untrustworthy individuals are just slowing down the progress of the rest of us. Just leave honest, trusting people alone. Pick on someone your own size, if you will. None of the people or situations I am thinking about are even in my own life, it's just hard to watch friends go through this stuff. It's sad for them, because they're just in that place, where it is so hard to see. Looking from the inside out is certainly not an easy task.

"And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same"

Okay, when I start pulling lyrics from songs by The Fray, I need to get my life together...

I'm such a child. I really am. It's funny to say that, because in so many ways, I think I'm an adult, but I'm clearly not. Yes, I am 22, carry a horizontal license and hold a bachelor's degree...but I'm still so immature. Well, maybe not immature, but certainly inexperienced. Not only that, but it seems I haven't gotten over that fact that there are other people in the world with bigger problems than my little, petty ones. Some things that are way too scary for me to face. When I think of it like that, I actually feel like a selfish brat. I wouldn't say my life has been perfect or easy, but I would say I've been pretty lucky. So far, I haven't had to face anything I couldn't handle. So, since I'm not dead, I guess all those things have made me stronger.

B-T-Dubs--I love that phrase: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I like it because I really think it holds pretty true. Every little thing that happens to you helps give you experience and shapes your character. Even if you are physically injured, you become mentally and emotionally stronger. For some reason, I can't get Lt. Dan's image out of my mind, which is really making me want to watch Forrest Gump, but that's another subject in and of itself.

Anyway, I'm getting tired and should really go to bed and think about things other than myself. Goodnight!

In No Particular Order...

Whitest things I've done all day:

Google Search box reads: What's a weave?

Yep.

Thing #2--whitest rap ever happening in my mind right now...

Lightening bolts in my brain

Make me go insane

It's like flying at the speed of stopping

Makes no sense but I better start mopping

'Cause to me my mind is like a messy floor

But to everyone else, just seems like a bore

This is how I rap

This is how I rap

--I really see this becoming a hit someday, so watch out.

*HAH, after posting that, reread it (the rap part) and really, it REALLY does not make sense.

Doodododoo (you know, like the Twilight Zone theme song...?)

Everything I've written lately has been dumb, boring, depression-fest, blah, whatever, junkville, etc. To all my adoring fans (I'm guessing at this point just myself and one or two bored people reading this), I'm sorry. I have been writing what I've been feeling (see above descriptor words). I know, however, that my stupid blog entries are not what I would call entertaining or thrilling in the least. Anyway, I'm not going to promise changes...just saying I recognize.

Sooo, I'm trying to work out some pretty complicated...math...in my head right now. It's confusing and very algebraic. Just trying to figure out the X factor, as life always wants you to do. Well, except I guess I don't really know what's on the other side of the equal sign. Wow, I feel like the ultimate nerd right now, trying to compare my life to an algebra equation. But, really though, it would be much easier if I did know what was on the other side of the the equal sign...ehhh, but sooo much less thrilling.

I just want to have everything both ways, and I am coming to realize that it's impossible to live life that way. It's also impossible to control every little thing that comes my way. I can't force things and make things happen that aren't supposed to happen. I don't know what God has planned for me. I can't keep trying to bend and contour my life so that things happen all my way all the time. That's just dumb, pointless manipulation. And if I've learned anything from Lost (zing!...Had to get a Lost reference in here), things course correct themselves. So, even if I could manipulate something my way, if it isn't meant to be, it's not going to happen. And, likewise, if it is meant to be, well it will go that way. It's just the uncertainty of it all that really bothers me.

I think I found my soulmate tonight though. Unfortunately, he was a movie character. Peter Klaven in I Love You, Man. I saw it, as well as my friends did. He was the male version of me. Goofy, slightly awkward, not that cool, but not super lame either (maybe I'm making up the last one to make myself feel good). Anyway, it was a good movie/hilarious.

Hmmmm...what else is on my mind that doesn't sound like complaining or whining or depressing or a therapy session? Uhhhhh...I'm excited to see the Blink-182 concert next month. I can't wait. I hope it's a good concert. I've been waiting for this day to come, hahah...for real though, I have. It's like a dream come trueeee!

Coups

One thing that is highly underestimated in this world: coupons.

We forget about them until we need them. After we're done with them, we move on forget them all over again. It's funny though, because each time you use a coupon, you feel a little sense of accomplishment. "Ooooh, la, la, I just saved a dollar," you think, as you purchase your $1.00 of pizza. I think you almost get a feeling that you ARE winning in life, even if for only a minute. All those minutes, seconds, moments of happiness, they add up. It is only a little money you are saving, but it's not about the money, in reality. It's about the fact that you are getting ahead, saving, doing good for yourself. Those feelings are hard to come by in large doses. But coupons, they get the job done--a dollar at a time.

*I'm glad my life has come to writing about 3 inch scraps of paper.

Titles Are Just That

Titles are so confusing. They're just rankings. "Best friend", "Favorite", "Friend", "Boyfriend", "Enemy". Then, when they change, what are you left with? It's doubtful the person has changed overnight from best friend to enemy. Well, I suppose it's all in how you look at it. Ha, no wonder so many people shy away from the commitment of marriage. I'm sure the titles of husband and wife are frightening to embark upon.*

Roles are weird too. Why do you have to change roles when stupid little titles change. You aren't changing as people. They're just words. Dumb and powerless, and yet all too powerful.

Thank God for family. They are always there, and I would venture to say that their titles rarely change. At least there is one stable force in everyone's crazy lives.

I'm glad my life thus far has been pretty simple. There have been a few times when I have questioned my life's stability, but for the most part, it's been okay.

*Side note: I just now realized that the proper spelling of embark involves a "k". Oddly, I always thought it was a "q". And I think I am a decent speller...clearly not.

whatever.

UGH. I was trying so hard to refrain from this, but I just can't help myself. It's 5:30am, and I'm just laying here tossing and turning. I feel so sick about everything. I HATE feeling this way. I just want to wake up and find everything is different, back to normal. I am trying so hard to be positive and think of all the other things I am doing in my life, but my thoughts just keep on drifting back here. It's so frustrating.

I am just so sad. What a lonely place to be.

Now is That Part

Patterns are just an oddity. You get so used to something, and then when it stops, you still expect it. You wait for it, and when it's not there, you feel some kind of eerie sort of confusion. Something's missing. If you're like me, it really throws you off. The last couple of days have been weird. I have these urges to do things, but distract myself long enough so that it doesn't happen, because it can't happen. It's in the great book of unwritten rules, I think. My body and soul though, they're just not buying it. I guess they weren't privy to the rules. It just feels so wrong. I don't know.

I'm so imperfect. Of course, because who isn't? I'm really just not a "bounce back" kind of person. More like a soak in my own misery kind of person, actually.

One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen was the sun setting over the Pacific. Thinking about that image reminds me that no matter how bad something has been, there's going to be a beautiful ending.

I wonder if it is, in fact, possible to turn off your brain. What a crazy feeling that would be. It would be even better if it could help me get some much needed sleep. Although, I have always what would happen if you never slept (the part before you die).

Hah, "the part before you die". Sounds like a good description of life. Or a good faux emo-esque song. I was thinking today about something I've pondered before. It's weird to think that we're all dying. Every day, we die a little bit more. Regardless of whether we have 80 years or 8 years to live, we're not getting more youthful. As much as America would like to believe we can, we can't add years to our life. No matter how healthy or careful you are, time is still ticking. We all die sometime. I guess that's enough motivation to enjoy the part before we die.

My Favorite(/My Top Most Annoying) Grammar Mistakes

10. Loose vs. Lose

9. Than vs. Then

8. Took vs. Taken

7. Ate vs. Eaten

6. Your vs. You're

5. Its vs. It's

4. S vs. 'S

3. Literally vs. Figuratively

2. Everyday vs. Every day

1. To vs. Too

Post Grad Forecast: Cloudy

I think I'm attempting to be about 8 different things right now, however, I am failing in all arenas.  :(

I just graduated Sunday.  Matt told me he was excited for about three days, then the excitement wore off and his diploma was thrown on the floor of his room.  As I type this, I can see my Bachelor of Arts degree lying on top of my commencement program in the middle of my floor.  He was right. 

Maybe it's because I didn't work hard enough to achieve it.  That little piece of paper is supposed to be a representation of the hard work I've accomplished over the last four years, but I feel like I'm lying to myself to say I worked hard for it.  I mean, sure, I put in effort.  I wrote all the papers and did the work, but I could have tried 100% harder.  Eh, I know now that it doesn't matter, but now I just feel like a fraud.

Also, I am working my current job, a student job, at the testing office.  I don't put my degree to use there at all.  I'm wasting my time.  I just don't know what I want to do with my degree.  I've been cursing myself for choosing communication as a major when I hate communicating.  I'm not even remotely good at it.  Who would hire me to strategically communicate?  Really?

I'm still thinking of myself as a student, while knowing that I've moved on from that stage of my life.  It's just hard to give up on something I've been clinging to since I was 5.  Every year, for the last 17 years, I have been doing the same drill.  Yet, this fall when August and September pass, I won't be returning for my 18th year of school.  That scares me more than anything.  The reality, even though I don't want to admit it, is that I probably won't ever return to school.  I don't think I can afford to, honestly.  Once I start working, I think it will be very difficult to ever go back.  So, I guess I need to give in to reality and start my job search, as unappealing as that sounds.

Being an adult never looked as depressing as it does now.  What was I thinking?!

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.  Some people have absolutely no respect for others, and it is totally and completely ridiculous.  I don't care what state of mind you are in, you can't just totally disrespect people.  UGGGGGH!  I'm so angry about this.  I feel like I just get stepped on over and over, and it is getting really old.

Now, I have strep throat and an exam tomorrow morning, but I'm up because I am too irritated to sleep.  That is annoying in an of itself.  I'm just so frustrated!!!

: )

Over and Out.

Oh, finals week.  A time when I always seem to find myself reflecting on the past 9 months.  Well, this will be my final finals week report, because I am officially moving on from the Ohio State University.  In just one week, I will be an OSU alum.  Time flies.

Well, I am happy to report, as always, I've learned this year.  I learned a lot from my study abroad in Ecuador, and of course from my time in the U.S. too.  I've had great times with friends and made amazing memories.  I'm going to really miss everyone after I graduate and we all start moving on and living our separate lives.  I think that will be somewhat of a hard transition, but only time will tell!

I've been thinking lately about the significance of this place in my life.  Right now, it is so big.  It means so much.  It is a huge part of who I am, really.  To me, Ohio State is a huge thing, but I think, in reality it is probably quite insignificant.  It's kind of depressing to think that about a 50,000 person university.  How insignificant can my one person life be then?  

But, I guess it's like that saying.  I don't remember how it goes, but something like "to the world you are just one person, but to one person you are the world." I guess that is what makes life special.  The little personal relationships we have along the way define us much more than the impact we have on the whole world.  

Anyway, as I say goodbye to college, I would like to think that I learned something in the last four years.  I guess that's all you can hope for from the $80,000 price tag.

College Chronicles, Pt. 1

Sophomore was an amazing year of college.  It was my first year here at Ohio State.  Everything was new and fresh.  It was my first time being out on my own.  I met a lot of new people and tried a lot of new things that year.  There is something about my second year of college that always makes me look back and smile.

One part of sophomore year that made it so special was the friendship I had with Matt.  I knew him before then, but not very well.  I told him to mark the same dorm I chose on his housing sheet.  And, I guess that was the start of it all.  Over the course of the year, we became really good friends.  I can't even imagine how my year would have been if he hadn't been there.  I know I spent more time with him than anyone else that year.  I can vividly remember staying up in the study room changing our MySpace backgrounds at 4 in the morning.  Hahah, or the multiple trips to Burritos Noches at midnight.  Once we stayed up until about 6am watching the first season of Entourage on DVD.  His roommates were crazy, and I'm pretty sure he spent about as much time in my room as his own (at least my room was always good for an argument with my liberal and uninformed roommate).  We had so much fun together that year, even when we weren't doing anything at all.  I got to know him really well, and I told him more about myself than I let most people in on.  I have a feeling that time spent with Matt is probably what brings back most of the happy feelings from sophomore year.

I made new friends that year.  Caitlin, a girl who lived on my floor, is one of my best friends now.  I'm glad we started talking, because at first I thought she was too cool to talk to, and later found out she felt the same about me.  Turns out, we're about equally sweet, haha.  Kelsey and I got to know each other better, and we're roommates now.  I had a great roommate named Linden, who was about the exact opposite of my other roommate that year.  I'll never forget the crazy night we were running around the hallways like banshees.  How we were not creating enough noise to get in huge trouble, I will never know.  I'm pretty sure almost every soul from the 11th floor was out and about that night (and even a few from floor 9).  

There was the night with the gangster hats and the night we walked for what seemed like forever in the rain to get to a party (sorry about your hat, Matt).  Halloween was so fun, I loved Kelsey and my homemade indian costumes.  We wore them to the first frat party I ever went to, and the last one I actually enjoyed.  And then there was that one night...well, I don't know if I'd count it as a quality memory, but memorable nonetheless.

Ohio State beat Michigan that year, in what I'm sure will be the most exciting game I'll ever go to.  I've never seen so many policemen in my life.  Police cars, bikes and horses lined the streets--just waiting for a couch to be burned or a fight to ensue.  It was insane.  Then, there was, of course the most depressing game of my life, too.  We don't need to talk about that one though.

I think I really miss my sophomore year, because it was the beginning of my college life.  I had so much before me at that point.  Now that I'm about to graduate, I appreciate that time more than ever.  It's time I can't get back, but I wish I could live it all over again.  

Um, Israel?

I think this is funny:  I've wanted to drop out of school more this quarter, my final quarter, than any other time in my college career.

Okay, I lied, that isn't really funny at all.  But, it is true.  I guess I am afraid of accomplishing something worthwhile or making money.  You know, the usej.  Humph! (I've always wanted to use the word "humph" somewhere in my writing, but never really found the time or place...here it is.)

As I sit here with six books about population changes and problems in Israel surrounding me, I find myself feeling a little bit overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed, but also in a state of denial. It's almost like I feel that if I deny that I have a paper to write by Thursday, maybe it will disappear.  I know that I am going to do it though.  I will write it, get at least a mediocre grade and move on.  College will probably be over by the time I even find out the grade I got on it.  Actually, I probably won't ever find out my grade.  I will receive my passing grade for the class and move on, because I will be a college grad and it won't matter anymore, I suppose.

So, get off the blog and write the paper, dummy.

"I hate the things you choose to be."--Michael Scott

Sunday Times

When I see that someone random has commented on a photo or status of mine, I remember that my Facebook profile is not all in vein.  Plus, I feel ultra cool that people care enough to flip through my photo albums.

That, and the comfort of warm laundry is what I'm thinking about right now.  

Perhaps it was no wonder that women were first at the cradle and last at the cross. They had never known a man like this Man. There never has been such another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made sick jokes about them…who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their questions and arguments seriously; who never mapped out this sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no ax to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself- conscious. There was no act, no sermon, and no parable in the whole gospel that borrows pungency from female perversity. Nobody could possibly guess from the words and deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” or inferior about women’s nature.

--Dorothy Sayers

Boring

My skin feels minty.  If that doesn't make sense, what I mean is that the cold, tingly taste you get from Polar Ice gum has somehow transferred itself to my skin and become a feeling.  It's weird, and I don't get it either.

Tomorrow is a new day (duh), and I'm going to try and make the most of it. I worked out today and I felt pretty great afterward.  I have been pretty good about working out lately and am beginning to really enjoy it.  I'm looking forward to being able to run farther and farther.  It makes me feel so strong and accomplished after a run.  Plus, I want to lose some weight before summer.  I am going to try to do that within the next few week by doing a hardcore workout/diet thing.  We'll see how that goes.

Other than the growing amounts of schoolwork I have due this week, that's pretty much all that's on my mind.

Such a Small Part of Life

In the last four years, since I've been in college, I've gone through so many changes.  The changes have come in all sizes, mostly miniscule, but have added up to be one of the biggest changes of my life.  I have come a long way from the naive teenager I was four years ago.  

I've had some of the best times of my life, and some of the worst times of my life since I left Big Walnut High School.  I've gained some amazing friends, and lost some too.  I've grown wiser, but realized how little I really knew.  I know now, that I don't know much.  I've lost, loved, laughed, lied, but most importantly, I've lived.  My thoughts and fears, my hopes and dreams, they are about a million miles away from my 18-year-old fantasies.  

It's strange how we are the same person throughout our lives.  Our bodies change, our minds change, but we are still the same person.  Our soul remains the same.

I can only surmise that in another 4 years, I will look back and realize how much I have changed.  Where will I be by then?  I don't know, but I do know I won't be here and I'll still be me.

DINGDANGDUNG

I am so sick and tired of hearing about our demise.  Thank you Ohio State for spreading your liberal agenda to me through just about every single class I have taken here (with the exception of Math 148).  Literally, every class I have taken here, from English to Chemistry to Sociology to Advertising, has been an effort to shove liberal views into my face.  It has been inescapable.  Here's the thing:  I stopped listening.  Due to the overwhelming amount of information regarding global warming, gay rights, population issues and all the other nonsense, I have learned one thing--how to block it all out.  If, IF, there had been any chance of me leaning toward your direction, changing my views, reforming, seeing the light, etc., well all hope was lost when I had to read a graphic novel about a lesbian (totally unnecessary pictures, thanks).  Or maybe it was when I had to sit through An Inconvenient Truth by my main man Al.  I'm not sure where I lost all respect for professors.  I just know it happened.

As I near my graduation, I must say that very few of my fond memories will come from the classroom.  But, hey, would they have anyway?  Even the best education is overshadowed by the memories of friends and just the lives we lived when we were young.  As any avid party animal would say--are you going to remember that failing test grade, or do you want to remember the fun times you had with friends?  And to that, I must say, the latter.  

I'm going to miss this place.

Espanglés-y

Porque yo necesito practicar mi español, voy a escribir en en español aquí.  

Estoy muy cansada.  Esta mañana yo trabajé a las siete y media.  Fue horible y aburrido, porque no hago nada a mi trabajo.  Cada día cuando yo llego al edificio, nadie esta aquí.  Solamente yo.  Y, el problemas es que yo no tengo las llaves.  Es muy molestando.

Pero, el resto del día fue muy facil.  Estudiaba, hablaba, pero no trabajaba.  

Mi español fue mucho mejor en Ecuador.  Aquí, no practico y entonces, es muy malo.  ¡Necesito ayudaaaaa!

Jajaj, yo fuí un citio para penpals para ingles y español. No sé porque.  Pero, ahora yo recibo 20 emails cada día de las personas que usan el citio...jajajaj...necesito responder...

Pienso que no tengo más para mi blog de español.  Espero que nadie piensan que mi blog es terible.  Entiendo que mi gramatica no es perfecto, pero PRACTICAR HACE PERFECTO (That cannot be an actual phrase, hahahhahah).

Fell Asleep While Writing Pt. 1

Today has been weird.  My emotions have been running unusually high.  I have felt everything from really happy to very melancholy, all within the last 18 hours or so.  

Change makes me sad.  I know it can be a good thing, and often a necessary thing.  Still, though, it makes me feel a little nostalgic and more than a little sad.  

While staying at my parent's house this weekend, I took a few trips into the lovely village of Sunbury.  It's weird how when you roll through the town you grew up in, you get the strangest feeling.  It's like a sense of ownership, almost.  Or, maybe it is a sense of belonging.  Either way, seeing freshly painted lanes on the road didn't settle well with me.  Neither did the unnecessary traffic lights and the Tim Horton's.  I felt as if I should have been a part of the decision making process.  Do we need a coffee chain in our little town?  NO!  Take your lights and businesses and pavement elsewhere!  Please leave my town out of this!  

Of course, they didn't ask me, and I didn't get to actually shout those things to whatever planning committee decided all these "improvements" were going to take place.  And now, little Sunbury, is not so little anymore.  I almost don't even feel right calling it a small town.  Maybe it isn't anymore.  It's looking more and more like a suburb every day.  Ugh, the humanity (said with overly dramatic tone, dragging out the 'a' for 3 seconds or so).

What is it that makes me hate the transformation of our little dot on the map?

___________________________

THEN I FELL ASLEEP.  

iAggravate

I want to know what I do that is really annoying.  I mean, I can self-analyze (believe me), but I can only see what I do that annoys me.  It's different than all the surely irritating things I do that bug others.

The problem is, it's difficult to get a straight answer like that from anyone.  It's hard for people to be honest and tell you, "Look, ____ is the most annoying thing ever.  Everyone thinks so, so stop it."  And, well, if someone did say that to me, I would find it a little more than odd.  

I guess I need an out of body experience.  One where I can see myself in the way that other people see me every day.  Sounds a bit scary.

Actually, I have felt "out of body" a few times, and it really is quite strange.  That's a topic for another day though.

Poof

I wish I had a word eraser to wipe things right out of the air.  I'd get some use out of it.  

Not just my words either.

Word eraser--->Force people to take back things they say--->Jessica's steady decline in coolness--->Jessica deemed loser forever

That looks like a chemistry equation.  Too bad I couldn't have busted that out during my chemistry exam.  

Peace/Chocolate/Puppies, 

Jessica

Not Cool.

I'm getting really tired of everyone bashing my religion.  Why is it that when you belong to the majority group, everyone feels that they have the "okay" to mock and poke fun at you?  

I'm a Christian.  I'm not judgmental.  I'm not forcing people to convert.  I'm not hurting anyone.  

Thanks.

Talking the Talk, Constantly

If I had the wisdom to know when to keep my mouth shut and when I need to speak my mind, I would probably feel a lot more successful.  I never really thought about being a "man (woman) of few words" to be a virtuous position, but really, I guess it is.  Anyone can babble on and on hoping a few worthwhile sentences come out every once in a while.  However, a truly wise individual speaks when necessary and when he or she says something, people listen.  Their words have a value mine could never have, because I just talk and talk until there's nothing left to talk about.

I guess the life lesson here is two-fold.  Listen to the ones who don't speak and try to be a little more selective with the never-ending babble.

18 Inches

You are supposed to pull off 18 inches of floss to use for flossing your teeth.

Why do I remember that?  I can't recall the last time I read the floss package for instructions.  For some reason, that is just a fact I will never forget.

I've always wondered why I remember certain things.  Some of the things that stand out in my memory seem so insignificant.  It makes sense to remember your first day of school, your prom, your grandmother's funeral or any other significant life event.  Those are milestones, but what about all that seemingly random information that you retain?  

I'm sure there is a really smart-sounding, scientific reason for it.  Something to do with chemicals, I'm sure.  I'm really not interested in that though.  Science is just one way of looking at something, and it's not my medium of choice.  I think that there is a reason that we remember these things.  Everything, every little intricate detail, has a purpose.  This is making me think of the movie Signs, which is perfect for a more exciting explanation of my point.  

I hope one day, I will need to know that you need 18 inches of floss.  For now, I am going to just keep estimating and hoping I tear off a comparable amount.

That's What She Said

I wish I could just tell the world exactly what was on my mind all the time.  100% honest, no holding back.  I wonder what people would think of me if they knew what I really thought about everything.  Scary...

P.S. I use Tumblr from time to time and if anyone wants to look at it the URL is http://yesjess.tumblr.com/

Gotta do the 9-5 (or 7:30 to 4:30)

I could totally write a new "The Office" series.  My office is undoubtedly funnier than the current episodes they have running.  

Everyone here is just twiddling their thumbs and waiting until 4:30 when they can go home.  Every job here is dead-end and no one cares about it at all.  I mean, I don't.

I hear more political gossip, relationship news and weekend stories than I do about work.  I'm not complaining.  It's just funny.

School in Ecuador

Here's some culture:

In the Ecuadorian school system, when students start high school they have to take some sort of aptitude test to determine what they should study in school.  Whichever one they score highest in, that is the route they follow throughout the rest of their school careers.

There are three possibilities:  Physical science, biology, or social science

When our teacher in Ecuador told us about this, our totally non-communist/socialist minds wandered.  "Wouldn't you just try to incorrectly answer the questions for the areas you didn't want to study?"  "How can they make you study that if you don't want to?"  "What if you do well in all of them?"  "What if you do horribly on all the sections?"

If someone excels in all the areas, he or she gets to choose which one he/she will pursue.  And the answer to the last question..."You'd get put in social science."

Thanks for putting that social science jab in there.  Even in Ecuador, I can't get away from the connotations of my major...

Thoughts I'm Thinking in My Mind

1.  2004

I want to go back to this year.  This year, I didn't have a job, I was still in high school with one year to go.  I had no worries, and life was fairly easy.  I wasn't concerned about desperately needing to find a job.  I wasn't even in college yet.  Also, I went on a trip to Boston and had some great memories with friends.

2.  2011

Hopefully, by this time, I will have a job and not be worrying about it.  Then, maybe I will have a stable and steady life.  I also like the number 11, so I bet it will be a good year.  Plus, 24, the age I will be, is one of my favorite numbers.  

3.  Capital One

I owe them a little money.  Actually, kind of a lot of money.  A lot for me anyway.  I feel so buried in stupid debts right now.  My goal is to not spend any money this week...let's see how that goes...

4.  Easter candy

I think by tomorrow I will have a blood sugar level of about 323 and severely damaged teeth.  I never even want to see sugar again.  It was good though.  Delicious.

5.  Work

I have to be at work in 7.5 hours.  I am going to be really tired, but thankfully, I don't do much of anything there, and it shouldn't be too stressful.  I just have a lot of stupid homework to do, so I hope that all works out for me.

6.  Hours

I think it is sad that I think of my time in hours.  How many hours I have to do an assignment.  How many hours I have until work.  Sad, sad.

7.  Smells

Something smells gross in my apartment, and I have no idea what it is.  Hopefully, there is nothing rotting somewhere.  Which, for the record, would be absolutely disgusting.

8.  Weather

It is cold in here.  I hate turning up the heat, because it gets really hot at night, but I hate leaving it off, because it gets too cold.  What am I to do?!  Ughhhh.  :)

That's it.  Oh, and I decided to have a really redundant sounding title.  So, maybe number 9 should be "Redundancy".

UGHHHH

During my last quarter of my undergraduate career, I can't help but imagine what I could have done differently.  I could have, and definitely should have, worked harder.  My grades aren't terrible, but they are nothing to brag about.  I chose a major because I couldn't choose a major.  Now, I have about two months to decide what I want to do with my life and then the even more difficult task of actually finding a job.  

I am so unprepared for the real world.  

And Now It's Time

I think it is comical how people can have so very little personal responsibility.  It is absolutely ridiculous.  There comes a time when you need to grow up and be able to look at yourself and think, "Hmmm, what could I be doing differently in this situation?  What did I do wrong?"  Instead, people just want to blame everyone around them for all their problems.  No matter how obvious a situation is to everyone else, they continue to deny that anything is happening.  Then when they receive a displeasing outcome, who do they blame?  Everyone else.  Never themselves.  It is just irritating.  We aren't little kids anymore and we need to realize we aren't always right.  

Just take a little responsibility for your actions, really.

Shabby

Jobs I Will Never Be Able to Attain...

Department store Santa Claus

Skydiving instructor

Tom Cruise's stunt double

Tour guide in the Galapagos

Broadway singer

Ballerina

Olympic swimmer

Contortionist

Why I Am Awake and Writing this at 3am, I Don't Know

In the hopes of pursuing a higher education, I chose to go to The Ohio State University.  In the last four years here, I have learned a lot, both in and outside the classroom (cliche!).  I've also done a lot of observing, people watching, if you will.  

I have come to realize that professors are, for the most part, people who like to hear themselves talk.  At least, I think that is what they are up to.  They aren't in it for the teaching, that's for sure.  They seem to enjoy spreading their knowledge only to impress everyone with the large quantity that they have.  To them, all problems in the world can be easily solved with a few intellectuals sitting around a table.  They believe that people who question science are fools and those who have faith in God are fools too.  Generally, they have a passion for their subject, but lack a passion for the general public.

Students, who pay thousands and thousands of dollars for their education, spend half of their college careers to get out of it.  Skipping class and ignoring reading assignments are two great ways of achieving this.  The weekend starts on Thursday, game days are crazy, spring quarter equals madness, fall is for football, and winter is the time of year that everyone just stays inside to drink.  Drinking needs to rhyme or reason.  There is drinking on every holiday, birthday or special occasion (i.e. the weekend).  When there is no event to throw a party for, one is made up (White Trash Party, Cowboys and Indians Night, No Clothes Party).  If it's a day of the week, there is reason to party.  Money is spent like it is nothing, even though no one has any.  Until the last quarter of senior year, no one thinks much about the harsh slap of reality that college is supposed to prepare you for, the slap of real life.

College is much more than an education, it is a lifestyle.  It's a time when we regress heavily, turning from maturing teens to babies.  Babies who are about to be thrown into the real world.  Pretty scary stuff.

I Want to Go...

Workout!!

RPAC!

Can't Stop the Grown-Up Train

Why is it that my friends are graduating, finding jobs, getting married, having kids...?  When did we all grow up?  Maybe it was that 10 week period in Ecuador...  I just feel like I missed something, and can't figure out how yesterday I couldn't decide what party to go to, and today I am worried about my future career.  Time really goes by so fast.  

My brother turned 20 today.  I am graduating from college in about 2.5 months.  I have more than one friend who is married or has kids.  Matt just earned his bachelor's degree.  

I don't want to go back, I want to keep moving forward.  I am just amazed at how fast the time has gone.

Sooooo, what am I doing with my life?  I really need to work on that question.

Back in the States, Mates

2nd night at home, still awake and the time is about 4am.  

I am happy to be home.  Ecuador was an awesome experience and I am so glad I did it, but I am glad to be back around all the people I love and have missed for the last few months.

I got the luxury of a hair cut today, and it feels so much better and healthier, so that was a nice start to my day.  Well, actually, I guess the nice start to my day was waking up at noon.  I haven't slept that late in at least 3 months. I actually haven't slept past 8am in the last few months either.

My favorite part of today was seeing Matt.  It was crazy, because I haven't seen him since January 9th.  It was sooooo good to see him in person, instead of video chat.  It just made me so happy.  I missed him so much while I was away.  It's really hard to be away from someone for that long.  Just getting to look at each other and touch each other is incredible after so much time.  It made me so happy.

Home again.

Staring Problem

A coffee shop is a great place to observe people.  Right now, I'm doing just that.  

I'm watching this young, but not too young, Ecuadorian gent.  There isn't anything unique about him, which makes him all the more interesting.  He is a 30 year old Ecuadorian guy, he is THE 30 year old Ecuadorian guy.  In the past 10 minutes he has probably smoked 3 cigarettes.  I'm not a smoker, but something tells me that's enough to call his cigarettes a security blanket.  Without them, I think he would appear more nervous than he already does.  He's sitting by himself, and it is completely possible that he is waiting for a friend.  However, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he is waiting to encounter a new friend, more than anything else.  At age 30, it seems that the average Ecuadorian male vies for a female's attention like a hobby.  Perhaps that's why they come off so creepy.  This specimen has slicked his hair back so many times, it's no wonder he has a receding hairline.  Every girl that walks by takes on the role of his next prospect.  A shame for him, because not one has as much as looked back in his direction.  

Maybe I should quit looking over at him and his t-shirt tucked into his 'dad jeans' and focus on something else.  I would hate to be his next prospect.

But I Love It Here

About 15 minutes ago I realized that I am really and truly going to Ecuador until the end of March. Then I decided there is no part of me that wants to leave right now. I love everyone here and the thought of leaving them is scaring me so much right now. I do not want to go. I want to stay here. What was I thinking?

Spanish. I want to learn Spanish, and that is why I'm going. And I like traveling. I guess that will be fun too.

BUT I AM SO AFRAID. I am going to miss everyone so much. I am worried I won't be able to talk to everyone from here very much at all. What if I can't contact them for some reason? I just want to stay with them. I don't want to go live with a random family and make new friends and live in a foreign culture. I want my own family, friends and culture.

This honestly feels like the first day of preschool all over again. I'm being handed over to strangers and leaving the comforts at home. I hated it then and I hate it now. I want to beg my mom not to make me go, just like before. How is there really only a week for me to pack up my belongings and leave the country? I need more time.

Why do I have to be going on this trip when everything in my life is going so well? Couldn't this have occurred at a time when I was mad at the world? When everything was terrible and I wanted to get away? Now, I'm happy with my life, and it's getting ripped away from me and I hate it.

I'll update later when my feelings change (which they will...?), but I feel ill right now.